This month weighs heavy on my heart, mind and soul. April should be a the best month since, I was born in it and we all know I love a good party and cake, lots of cake. This year this month I am going to focus on bringing awareness to two things that I have seen, felt and been a part of. April is known for Child Abuse Prevention and Sexual Assault Awareness. I never really wanted to admit but these things have happened to me and they are a part of who I am.
I don't have to go into detail about the whats, whos and whys..Because it does not matter. What matters is that I never raise my hand to my children unless it's a high five. I do not ever throw them down the stairs and I do not belittle them to the point that their self-worth is gone. I don't make them feel that they are nothings and that they are a mistake. Do I lose my patience, do I yell and do I lose it at times. Yup, I do because I am human and will make mistakes. What I do not do is ever cross that line. The line that once you cross you rarely can come back from. I was terrified of having children my whole entire life. Because I did not want to be like my family in anyway from my childhood. That was the scariest thing in my life was thinking that I was them. Good thing that I am stubborn and that from the moment I found out I was going to be a mother that I knew in my heart that I was not my family. I was me and that I could break the cycle and break the silence. I see the hurt in myself and my siblings from the past actions. I know that we all have things to work on and that we all can be better.I write this because it is a part of me, a sad and scary part of me. I love my parents and I know that they must have had some kind of hell they were going through and that they must regret their actions. My mom isn't here but most know that we fought daily and it wasn't because I was a bad kid. I now know it was because she could not break me. I am not a saint and I was a sass and stubborn, I will not deny that. But I was a little girl that just wanted my mom to love, me flaws and all. Abuse comes in all forms and I know that my papa was a hardass and he was not always the best dad in the world. Who he was then and the father that I have now are night and day. The dad I grew up with is very different from the dad my brothers grew up with. My heart hurts for that. And I wish that I with all my being that I could fix it, but it is not my wound or soul to fix. I can just hope that it will happen one day. What I do know is the power of forgiveness can change your life.It can make you love those that you thoght you could never love again or want to love again be loved. I feel that I can love those that have hurt me and hope them the best and know that I get to choose if they are in my life going forward. It can take a tormented soul and make it calm.
I will fail as a mother over and over, I have come to terms with that I am human. The one thing I can promise is that my kids will never feel broken because of my inability to love them because that is not who I am. My children are my heartbeats, they are the whys, the whats and a lot of oh my hells. I hope when I screw up that they can see me, really see me and know my heart has always and will always beat for them. I don't write this to say I am the mom of the year or to lay blame on my past. I write this from a kid that knows the effects of abuse either it be physical, mental, emotional or any other form. It sucks to grow up with secrets and scars in your heart and mind. I write this to say that it is our own choice to BREAK THE CYCLE, it is our choice to be better than those that have hurt us. It is my choice to love my children and husband with all my heart and it is my responsibility to show them and to break the silence of never speaking of Child Abuse. It happens and it usually, happens right under our noses and we never will know unless, someone is willing to say enough is enough. Being a parent is one of the things that saved me from my self destructive ways. It challenges me daily and I will screw up but I pledge to never abuse my children because I am not them, I am simply me an imperfect being doing the best this brown girl can do.
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Mantras are not such a bad thing
I have to write this down or my heart and mind will explode! I cannot believe the pain, the shame, the guilt, the hurt, the tears, the thoughts and most of all the anger that fills me right now. With so many things happening in life I cannot keep silent I cannot keep this anger, frustration, sadness, remorse, and self-loathing in anymore. I don't even know where to start that is how twisted my heart and mind are at the moment. Do I start with how it felt or do I start with what I feel now..Do I admit that the life I pretended to have never existed or if I whisper the words to anyone besides myself will it make the pain go away. I ask what will make the pain go away..Do I go back to facing my finger down my throat to purge the ugliness out?? What do I do and what can I do to make this hurt go away??
I am filled with sadness for anyone that has ever felt an ounce of the thoughts or pain that I know to be true in my own life. Do we get it, do we really get what happens to someone's soul, spirit and core when something so ugly, disgusting and unforgivable happens? I know for a fact I don't get it and I am one of those that have come out on top. Then I think have I really come out on top if it eats away at the center of my heart..really, what have I gained from this and where do I go? I am ashamed, humiliated, and raw from sharing parts of my truth and parts of my story. When is it my turn to say that this will never ever affect me again? When will the nightmares end, when will I feel that I am whole and most important worthy of my life that I created.
Yes, this is where I start where my heart is and where my heart and mind are focusing on. On why I broke some of my silence. It is because even though every word that I have written so far enters my mind and heart does not mean it defines me. Let me repeat that for not just myself but for you...IT DOES NOT DEFINE ME! That is my mantra that is my why!! I am broken, shattered but guess what we all are and we get to decide what we want to do with those beautiful broken pieces. We can create anything that we want with ourselves, yes, we CREATE what we want to be not the the past or others actions or your mistakes. We are in charge of what we do no one else..If I wake up and say I am going to kick ass everyday then I will. I do not hold my mistakes, my heartaches or my pain close to me everyday it festers and at moments like this it has to be released. I have to know that I am not alone and that I am loved..Every piece of me is loved. No one else sees me as broken but myself and that is at times hard to look past. I have created the life I live, I deserve the life I live and I will fight everyday until I no longer exist to keep my life. I am no better or stronger than anyone of you out there I am just me. I need to remind myself that I am worth of every breath that I take. I am an optimist and a fighter for not just myself but for those that need me to be. I am me just a girl who wants to change at least one person in the world's heart and mind. If I can do that then I will feel more at peace with my inner battle..I refuse to sink or to ever give up..I am needed, I am needed yes, I am needed even if it is just me that needs me. These are the words that I know to be true..For every step I take forward I will become at peace with just being me a mosaic made of shards and remnants of broken pieces..Yes, I will say it again I am me and I am needed.
I am filled with sadness for anyone that has ever felt an ounce of the thoughts or pain that I know to be true in my own life. Do we get it, do we really get what happens to someone's soul, spirit and core when something so ugly, disgusting and unforgivable happens? I know for a fact I don't get it and I am one of those that have come out on top. Then I think have I really come out on top if it eats away at the center of my heart..really, what have I gained from this and where do I go? I am ashamed, humiliated, and raw from sharing parts of my truth and parts of my story. When is it my turn to say that this will never ever affect me again? When will the nightmares end, when will I feel that I am whole and most important worthy of my life that I created.
Yes, this is where I start where my heart is and where my heart and mind are focusing on. On why I broke some of my silence. It is because even though every word that I have written so far enters my mind and heart does not mean it defines me. Let me repeat that for not just myself but for you...IT DOES NOT DEFINE ME! That is my mantra that is my why!! I am broken, shattered but guess what we all are and we get to decide what we want to do with those beautiful broken pieces. We can create anything that we want with ourselves, yes, we CREATE what we want to be not the the past or others actions or your mistakes. We are in charge of what we do no one else..If I wake up and say I am going to kick ass everyday then I will. I do not hold my mistakes, my heartaches or my pain close to me everyday it festers and at moments like this it has to be released. I have to know that I am not alone and that I am loved..Every piece of me is loved. No one else sees me as broken but myself and that is at times hard to look past. I have created the life I live, I deserve the life I live and I will fight everyday until I no longer exist to keep my life. I am no better or stronger than anyone of you out there I am just me. I need to remind myself that I am worth of every breath that I take. I am an optimist and a fighter for not just myself but for those that need me to be. I am me just a girl who wants to change at least one person in the world's heart and mind. If I can do that then I will feel more at peace with my inner battle..I refuse to sink or to ever give up..I am needed, I am needed yes, I am needed even if it is just me that needs me. These are the words that I know to be true..For every step I take forward I will become at peace with just being me a mosaic made of shards and remnants of broken pieces..Yes, I will say it again I am me and I am needed.
Friday, October 16, 2015
Broken and afraid....
I was lost, I was cold, I was numb and I was transplanted to another time and place in my heart and mind. When the adrenaline starts to trickle down to it's final drop then reality kicks in. So, many people, music, laughter, voices, dancing, lights, silliness and most of all love. The room I was in was filled with so much love that it overwhelmed me i know that now.. I sit down and giggle and lay upside down with a new friend..All of sudden it's hot, really hot, I am dizzy, I am nauseated the need to throw-up is strong and most of all I am scared. I remember walking into the bathroom and looking in the mirror and wishing that I was home asleep with the snoring of my family. I can't recall a time that I needed just to be home so much. I look again and I am pale, sweating and shoot I realize I can't breathe. I know the drill get a benadryl and something hot to kill whatever I just ate that I am allergic to. My throat was getting tighter the coughing was just beginning and then somehow I had managed to get outside without much commotion..I have a few new people around me that I just met or remet and they are telling me to breathe. I just want to scream I am but why is it not working, why is everything so heightened why are they staring at me like I am ghost? I just want to go home..That's when it hits I need to get home I need to be safe and I need to feel in control. What the crap is going on now? I swear that I was really good about not eating anything I was allergic to, for heaven's sakes I packed my own little lunch box of food for the day. I am now realizing the more I try to breathe the less it is working..I start to bawl at some point I no longer can hold my sh*t together..I just want to go home. I hear where is your Epi-pen and I do my best to laugh and say who the hell knows. I am fine just take me home...I can't, I can't and I can't breathe..I am 6 or am I 8 or am I 10 or is it 12 right now. My thoughts they are jumbled I just want to go home. I know if I go home I will be okay.. Crapballs, I cannot feel my hands, they are yelling or maybe they are just talking to me but they are threatening me that is all I know. I just want once again to be home..Cory will know what to do he is my saving grace and he grounds me and he will fix this..It starts to get worse everything is going numb, at this point I am humiliated. I have never lost myself or reality so fast. Yes, I believe in magic it makes the world a better place to have an imagination but this, this is pure hell. Oh, my hell what is wrong with me?? Am I dying this can't be the end an allergic reaction to something..Dangit stop driving like a dumbass Smash..Seriously, if you don't take me home I will never forgive you..did I say that outloud. I am being told to breathe and that I am almost home and it's going to be okay. I start bawling even harder I can't feel anything my arms, hands , legs and feet. I see them am I having a stroke, is this a nightmare???? See, I told you I was fine just let me go inside and lay down..I am extremely tired..NO, I do not know where my epi-pen is nor do I care. I am home just let me stay home..I promise that I will stop crying and I will try harder to breathe..No, please just stop I just want to go to sleep. Why won't anyone listen..Why are we here?? What are they going to do?? Please, for the love of God do not let them put that on my face. I can't have things on my face..Cory, please make them stop I promise I will stop and I will pull myself together. It's getting really hard to concentrate my heart is racing what is happening?? Please, stop poking me, I hear ripping of tape...I try not to think back I try not to go there but it's all so jumbled. Please, just leave me and my body alone. I swear I won't tell anyone just leave me alone!!! Wait, I hear Cory telling me I am okay and to breathe and I plead with him to take me home..I can't breathe no matter how hard I try I cannot breathe..People are trying to put things on me..Do they not understand or do I not understand? Why is she mad at me I didn't do anything and I swear I did my best I never told when I was 6 or 7..Why is he here I thought this was over?? Wait, why is this other man yelling at me and what have I done? Why the hell can I not breathe?? They stuck me with things they must think I am crazy!! I badly want to go home tell me what I need to do so you will let me go home..Cory, where is he? Why is this man looking at me funny..Oh, my hell let me go home. I kept willing myself to breathe to work really hard at figuring out where I was..No I don't need to be here. I had an allergic reaction,right? I hear Cory I see him silently pleading with me and I know that I have scared him..I am sorry Cory really I am..just take me home...They come back new place new people..more poking, tests and such. But this time I hear him and he tells them a little about my past and my advocacy work and that this is making it worse can you be gentler. He still loves me yes, even at my worst he loves me.See he knows the broken parts of me and instead of changing me he guides me and lets me be me.. I start to feel better it could be the drugs the gave me or it is the calming of my soul happening.Finally, I get to go home and be with those that I love most..
I am weak, I am afraid, I am small, I am worthless, I am little,and worst of all I am powerless..These are the thoughts that rushed through my head on what I call the day I broke. Even seven months later this hits hard and it makes me tear up with guilt and shame. I can not believe that I could break and when I say break not physically(like a bone) but literally just breakdown. The last few years have been so hard for me to navigate through I will openly admit to that. But still I am tough as nails and who knew that this Browngirl could break..I sure as heck was not planning on it nor were the ones who surrounded me that night. Thank you for loving me and thank you for taking care of me...
Having a PTSD panic/anxiety attack scared me and I will never forget the feeling of hopelessness and fright. When I started my path to heal I knew that I would have moments and that it would not always be an easy one as well. What I was not ready for was the memories, the triggers and my brokenness to come to a halting screech and explode. I let others who were there think it was an allergic reaction because one it's a personal thing and two I am ashamed. People look at me for strength not weakness..I am now taking things a little slower, sticking closer to home and taking less on my plate. I write this not to gain sympathy from anyone ever but to bring light to others around me. We are never alone even when we think we are. Things get messy, scary, screwed up and we sometimes fool ourselves into thinking I can handle it all. When in actually reality we are not meant to handle it all nor are we meant to be invincible. I know that I am healing because, I am still here kicking butt daily. I don't fester on my past but I have come to a point that if my past will help one other person in this world..then it was worth me going through it..so, that I can shine hope on one other soul. We can create beauty even we ourselves find ourselves hideous and undeserving. I am living proof of that. I still can't believe this is my life the one I created and co-created with my husband..No matter what I do or go through I owe everything to the Big Guy upstairs for giving me faith, hope, and love. I am blessed beyond more than my heart deserves..
I am weak, I am afraid, I am small, I am worthless, I am little,and worst of all I am powerless..These are the thoughts that rushed through my head on what I call the day I broke. Even seven months later this hits hard and it makes me tear up with guilt and shame. I can not believe that I could break and when I say break not physically(like a bone) but literally just breakdown. The last few years have been so hard for me to navigate through I will openly admit to that. But still I am tough as nails and who knew that this Browngirl could break..I sure as heck was not planning on it nor were the ones who surrounded me that night. Thank you for loving me and thank you for taking care of me...
Having a PTSD panic/anxiety attack scared me and I will never forget the feeling of hopelessness and fright. When I started my path to heal I knew that I would have moments and that it would not always be an easy one as well. What I was not ready for was the memories, the triggers and my brokenness to come to a halting screech and explode. I let others who were there think it was an allergic reaction because one it's a personal thing and two I am ashamed. People look at me for strength not weakness..I am now taking things a little slower, sticking closer to home and taking less on my plate. I write this not to gain sympathy from anyone ever but to bring light to others around me. We are never alone even when we think we are. Things get messy, scary, screwed up and we sometimes fool ourselves into thinking I can handle it all. When in actually reality we are not meant to handle it all nor are we meant to be invincible. I know that I am healing because, I am still here kicking butt daily. I don't fester on my past but I have come to a point that if my past will help one other person in this world..then it was worth me going through it..so, that I can shine hope on one other soul. We can create beauty even we ourselves find ourselves hideous and undeserving. I am living proof of that. I still can't believe this is my life the one I created and co-created with my husband..No matter what I do or go through I owe everything to the Big Guy upstairs for giving me faith, hope, and love. I am blessed beyond more than my heart deserves..
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
One heartbeat at a time...
Today is not much different than most days in my home. I have an extra 4-6 kids hanging out with us today. Even with the loudness, the laughter and the chaos I cannot shake the the stillness I feel in my heart. Recently,I have had many experiences in being too busy, overwhelmed with sadness, self-doubt and most of all happiness. When I take a step back and breathe really deep it is in the stillness of my soul that I feel that I am loved. Being loved is the one thing every human being needs, seeks and thrives on. We all know the studies that they have done with newborns or children in foster or orphanages. The ones that are showed love or acceptance thrive and those that aren't showed those things seem to disappear into the woodworks. Being lovable or being loved in my eyes are two important things to have in life. Yes, I can love a stranger and yes, I can love the person that just cut me off and almost made me wreck. Sure, I can love you because guess what I don't know you and it is too much work for me to not love you. Now, saying this does not make me a saint it just is in my nature to be goofy, chaotic, quick to forgive and to love. I have many other faults that make up for this one good thing that I have called LOVE.
Being loved is one thing that take some their whole life to figure out. Where for others it just comes natural like walking or talking. I can look at someone who struggles to be nice and I just wonder how the heck they survive and yes, I even think don't you know it is so much easier to be kind than it is to be mean. I don't think that it is as black and white for everyone. I don't know their deep thoughts or sometimes their hearts. If you think about it we all have quirks that are good or bad. I know that I drive my husband batty with the way I reload the dishwasher because I am OCD about it. I know that my lack of time or lack boundaries make people want to punch me in the face or shake some sense into me. These things I know but guess what??? In the end all that matters is that everyday I can look into my own heart and say I love you Elena. I know that I can drive a sane man or woman to the edge of madness or drinking. I also, know that I can also drive those people to the brink of peeing their pants in laughter and happiness. Come on and admit we all know that everyone needs that one person in their life that is a goofball. The one that has no conditions on their love and friendship for you and that loves you at your most un-loveable moments.
So, why not be that person for yourself. It is so much easier to say than to do this. I know and trust me when I say that this is something that I have struggled with most my life. When we look at ourselves and we judge ourselves on a scale that we would never use on someone else it makes you feel that you are not loved nor can you ever be loved. When we look at those deep dark wounds, scars, secrets and self-doubt all do is we create the opposite of love, we have now have created self-loathing. Why, oh why do we allow ourselves to do this?
Not everyone in this world can feel their worth nor do they see their worth. I often feel like for some that they will never see or feel loved even, if they are surrounded by love in every form. Some think they do not deserve or that they don't need it in their life to go on. I call bull honky on that..Even if it is just one person it should be you that loves yourself so much that no matter what happens in life that you are able to shake the horrible feelings of despair. Now, we all know that in the real everyday life that their are people who will never be able to do this. This does not mean they fail it just means that we as their family and friends have to do more or even better to show them kindness, acceptance, forgiveness and love. But that does not mean that we solely hold their well being in our hands it just means we help pick up the pieces and slowly glue them back together. And when it happens again we are there. Now, before you tune me out, think of the all the actions,words,love and forgiveness you are willing to give those around you. To those that you see their worth beaming like a bright neon sign in the middle of the night. Now, look into the mirror and know you are loved, you are loveable and that you are worth it. No, matter what you think is so unforgivable, ugly or broken in yourself,know that you are loved. Maybe it won't be today or tomorrow maybe it will take you thirty plus years to figure it out. Just know if we can't love yourself that there is a world out there waiting to love you. I write this with a heavy heart for no matter how hard we sometimes try to love someone we can't always make them accept our love or feel loved. Sometimes it so much bigger than us and so much more complex than what are hearts can handle that we just have to rely on a higher power...
As always rainbows and unicorns my friends and please,know that you are loved(even if I just met you or I haven't seen you in years)
By this Brown Girl
Being loved is one thing that take some their whole life to figure out. Where for others it just comes natural like walking or talking. I can look at someone who struggles to be nice and I just wonder how the heck they survive and yes, I even think don't you know it is so much easier to be kind than it is to be mean. I don't think that it is as black and white for everyone. I don't know their deep thoughts or sometimes their hearts. If you think about it we all have quirks that are good or bad. I know that I drive my husband batty with the way I reload the dishwasher because I am OCD about it. I know that my lack of time or lack boundaries make people want to punch me in the face or shake some sense into me. These things I know but guess what??? In the end all that matters is that everyday I can look into my own heart and say I love you Elena. I know that I can drive a sane man or woman to the edge of madness or drinking. I also, know that I can also drive those people to the brink of peeing their pants in laughter and happiness. Come on and admit we all know that everyone needs that one person in their life that is a goofball. The one that has no conditions on their love and friendship for you and that loves you at your most un-loveable moments.
So, why not be that person for yourself. It is so much easier to say than to do this. I know and trust me when I say that this is something that I have struggled with most my life. When we look at ourselves and we judge ourselves on a scale that we would never use on someone else it makes you feel that you are not loved nor can you ever be loved. When we look at those deep dark wounds, scars, secrets and self-doubt all do is we create the opposite of love, we have now have created self-loathing. Why, oh why do we allow ourselves to do this?
Not everyone in this world can feel their worth nor do they see their worth. I often feel like for some that they will never see or feel loved even, if they are surrounded by love in every form. Some think they do not deserve or that they don't need it in their life to go on. I call bull honky on that..Even if it is just one person it should be you that loves yourself so much that no matter what happens in life that you are able to shake the horrible feelings of despair. Now, we all know that in the real everyday life that their are people who will never be able to do this. This does not mean they fail it just means that we as their family and friends have to do more or even better to show them kindness, acceptance, forgiveness and love. But that does not mean that we solely hold their well being in our hands it just means we help pick up the pieces and slowly glue them back together. And when it happens again we are there. Now, before you tune me out, think of the all the actions,words,love and forgiveness you are willing to give those around you. To those that you see their worth beaming like a bright neon sign in the middle of the night. Now, look into the mirror and know you are loved, you are loveable and that you are worth it. No, matter what you think is so unforgivable, ugly or broken in yourself,know that you are loved. Maybe it won't be today or tomorrow maybe it will take you thirty plus years to figure it out. Just know if we can't love yourself that there is a world out there waiting to love you. I write this with a heavy heart for no matter how hard we sometimes try to love someone we can't always make them accept our love or feel loved. Sometimes it so much bigger than us and so much more complex than what are hearts can handle that we just have to rely on a higher power...
As always rainbows and unicorns my friends and please,know that you are loved(even if I just met you or I haven't seen you in years)
By this Brown Girl
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Prayers Answered
Four years ago I remember eating dinner with my family at my moms dinner table. There barely was any room for you to even move your elbows that is how tight her space was in that house. My mom loved her fancy table and her fancy stuff and we as her children humored and went along with it. Don't worry there were plenty of eye rolls, sarcastic comments and lots of love as well. We had recently gathered as a family the week before to have dinner minus a few of us to have a family dinner with mom before her surgery. As luck went the surgery had been cancelled and was moved to the following week. Little did we know what would unfold over the next few days.
Anyways, my mom always talked about death very openly and to the point that you wanted to scream"SHUT UP!" at her. No, I never did out loud at least. We as siblings(I have two big brothers)were very concerned for her and she was very unconcerned about it. She told us that night where all the important paperwork was at, that she loved us and not to worry she would be fine.
Let me just say I know that she was sick, I know that there was cancer in her internal organs that would be inoperable, I did not know how tired, sick of hurting she was, how lonely or how scared she was about leaving us. Yes, I believe she was scared of what this event would do to her children. Now, let me back up for a moment to the prior week..I drove out with my youngest who at the time was about 14 or 15 months old. When we found out that her surgery was cancelled and moved to the next week we were angry. So, after a conversation with my husband I came home. I still remember the sadness in my mothers voice as I told her I needed to go home for a few days and that I would be back on Sunday. I knew it in my gut that she would not make it but, I refused to let my heart or mind accept that. So, I packed up my car and drove back home with my baby and big brother. Can I tell you how many times I wish I would have stayed just so I could have had that time with my mom. I recall the sorrow in her voice and the agony of regret in my heart still yes, even four years later. If I only would have stayed put...
Back to the story at hand..you see my mom had many years of pain, scares, surgeries, and such. So, yes I was naive to think that she would pull through this one. I do remember how glowing and peaceful she looked at our last dinner together. She was able to calm my fears and anxiety of the situation at hand. I kept getting upset with her telling her that it was not funny and that I wish she would be a little more serious about it. We all had time to talk with her and we all said that we loved her and we all put on that fake smile and said,"yes, mom all will be well in the morning."
In the deepest darkest part of my heart I knew she was miserable and I knew she was totally content if she passed. This my dear friends pissed me off and I pushed it aside. I knew more than anything that she was tired of being in pain, being in constant torment of things in the past, and more than anything I know she missed the love of her life Steve. So, for her dying meant to be reunited with a healthy heart, mind, soul and she would be dancing with Steve again in heaven. There was no greater peace for her than knowing that she would have these things. If she lived she would stay in a loveless marriage to a man( who no one liked),in pain and loneliness. Yes, I am selfish and yes, it took me a long time to finally have a relationship with my mom. She finally had become my best friend. The one that I would call up to 15 times a day. She was my constant cheerleader, my guiding hand and the most forgiving of my faults. She would call me out on things and would then proceed to put me in my place. I never grew to big to cuddle in her arms or to tell her my worst fears even if it was over the phone. You see, we finally accepted each other and we finally got it. So, yes I was selfish when I prayed that night.
I do not forget the hours I spent on my knees that night asking for the one thing I knew only God could give her and that was peace. No, I was not asking him to take her off this earth but I do know,that I pleaded and begged that she would find peace, that she would no longer be in pain and that she would be happy and completely happy in her heart again. Yes, I prayed and prayed for her to have peace. The whole time I kept pushing back that, Oh crap feeling that you get when something bad is going to happen to you. I know you know what I mean. I was naive to think that this life would actually give her the peace she needed. That she would fight to stay with us. Yes, I wrote that last sentence..I think she gave up on us. Yes, we might all be in our thirties at the time but dangit we still needed our mom. Even to this day I need her and I no longer have the luxury of calling her or visiting. Yes, there is another hole in my heart and yes, I miss her to this day. As you all know we no longer have her with us anymore. It has been four years of grieving, loving, challenges, laughter, tears, anger and finally acceptance.
People tend to think that it gets easier with time. I don't know if it is true or if it is something that you adapt to. I can say that right now I have tears streaming down my face. I keep saying that I don't miss her as much. Truth be told I so wish she was here and I miss her with all my heart that it hurts just like it was yesterday.
Death changes something in us it can make us bitter, angry, miserable,unlovable at moments and doubtful of good. I went through it all and I can say it has brought something else out in me that I took for granted in my life. That is life in itself..Where I once would be yearning to do other things, or to be accepted by my peers, or to just be free of all my worries. I now treasure the small moments more, I tend to hold my kids hostage and make them spend more time with me, I do my best to be more kind, loving, forgiving and to be more grateful for what I have in life. No, I am not always great at these things nor am I happy go lucky all the time either. What I do know is that life is short and at a moments notice everything can change in a blink of an eye. I will not re-hash the details of the day she died for it will forever be etched in my heart, mind and soul. What I will say is that I am grateful for a mother that rode my ASS there is no other way to say that. She demanded our best,loyalty,forgiveness,hard-work,kindness,laughter, honesty and most of all our love. I know that growing up with her as my mother was hard and sometimes bleak. But, I would not change a thing because I know that I would not be the person or mother I am if I would not have had her as my mom.
So, thank you mom for never letting me be mediocre in life and for loving me at the most unlovable times in my life. I know that I am far from perfect and so was she but at least I got to be her little girl for quite a few years. So, yes prayers are answered but we might not always like or listen to what the big guy says to our hearts...
Love and miss you mom and no words will or can describe the heart with the loss of you here with me......May you be cutting a rug with your sweetheart :)
Rainbows and Unicorns my friends
hole
Rainbows and Unicorns...
Anyways, my mom always talked about death very openly and to the point that you wanted to scream"SHUT UP!" at her. No, I never did out loud at least. We as siblings(I have two big brothers)were very concerned for her and she was very unconcerned about it. She told us that night where all the important paperwork was at, that she loved us and not to worry she would be fine.
Let me just say I know that she was sick, I know that there was cancer in her internal organs that would be inoperable, I did not know how tired, sick of hurting she was, how lonely or how scared she was about leaving us. Yes, I believe she was scared of what this event would do to her children. Now, let me back up for a moment to the prior week..I drove out with my youngest who at the time was about 14 or 15 months old. When we found out that her surgery was cancelled and moved to the next week we were angry. So, after a conversation with my husband I came home. I still remember the sadness in my mothers voice as I told her I needed to go home for a few days and that I would be back on Sunday. I knew it in my gut that she would not make it but, I refused to let my heart or mind accept that. So, I packed up my car and drove back home with my baby and big brother. Can I tell you how many times I wish I would have stayed just so I could have had that time with my mom. I recall the sorrow in her voice and the agony of regret in my heart still yes, even four years later. If I only would have stayed put...
Back to the story at hand..you see my mom had many years of pain, scares, surgeries, and such. So, yes I was naive to think that she would pull through this one. I do remember how glowing and peaceful she looked at our last dinner together. She was able to calm my fears and anxiety of the situation at hand. I kept getting upset with her telling her that it was not funny and that I wish she would be a little more serious about it. We all had time to talk with her and we all said that we loved her and we all put on that fake smile and said,"yes, mom all will be well in the morning."
In the deepest darkest part of my heart I knew she was miserable and I knew she was totally content if she passed. This my dear friends pissed me off and I pushed it aside. I knew more than anything that she was tired of being in pain, being in constant torment of things in the past, and more than anything I know she missed the love of her life Steve. So, for her dying meant to be reunited with a healthy heart, mind, soul and she would be dancing with Steve again in heaven. There was no greater peace for her than knowing that she would have these things. If she lived she would stay in a loveless marriage to a man( who no one liked),in pain and loneliness. Yes, I am selfish and yes, it took me a long time to finally have a relationship with my mom. She finally had become my best friend. The one that I would call up to 15 times a day. She was my constant cheerleader, my guiding hand and the most forgiving of my faults. She would call me out on things and would then proceed to put me in my place. I never grew to big to cuddle in her arms or to tell her my worst fears even if it was over the phone. You see, we finally accepted each other and we finally got it. So, yes I was selfish when I prayed that night.
I do not forget the hours I spent on my knees that night asking for the one thing I knew only God could give her and that was peace. No, I was not asking him to take her off this earth but I do know,that I pleaded and begged that she would find peace, that she would no longer be in pain and that she would be happy and completely happy in her heart again. Yes, I prayed and prayed for her to have peace. The whole time I kept pushing back that, Oh crap feeling that you get when something bad is going to happen to you. I know you know what I mean. I was naive to think that this life would actually give her the peace she needed. That she would fight to stay with us. Yes, I wrote that last sentence..I think she gave up on us. Yes, we might all be in our thirties at the time but dangit we still needed our mom. Even to this day I need her and I no longer have the luxury of calling her or visiting. Yes, there is another hole in my heart and yes, I miss her to this day. As you all know we no longer have her with us anymore. It has been four years of grieving, loving, challenges, laughter, tears, anger and finally acceptance.
People tend to think that it gets easier with time. I don't know if it is true or if it is something that you adapt to. I can say that right now I have tears streaming down my face. I keep saying that I don't miss her as much. Truth be told I so wish she was here and I miss her with all my heart that it hurts just like it was yesterday.
Death changes something in us it can make us bitter, angry, miserable,unlovable at moments and doubtful of good. I went through it all and I can say it has brought something else out in me that I took for granted in my life. That is life in itself..Where I once would be yearning to do other things, or to be accepted by my peers, or to just be free of all my worries. I now treasure the small moments more, I tend to hold my kids hostage and make them spend more time with me, I do my best to be more kind, loving, forgiving and to be more grateful for what I have in life. No, I am not always great at these things nor am I happy go lucky all the time either. What I do know is that life is short and at a moments notice everything can change in a blink of an eye. I will not re-hash the details of the day she died for it will forever be etched in my heart, mind and soul. What I will say is that I am grateful for a mother that rode my ASS there is no other way to say that. She demanded our best,loyalty,forgiveness,hard-work,kindness,laughter, honesty and most of all our love. I know that growing up with her as my mother was hard and sometimes bleak. But, I would not change a thing because I know that I would not be the person or mother I am if I would not have had her as my mom.
So, thank you mom for never letting me be mediocre in life and for loving me at the most unlovable times in my life. I know that I am far from perfect and so was she but at least I got to be her little girl for quite a few years. So, yes prayers are answered but we might not always like or listen to what the big guy says to our hearts...
Love and miss you mom and no words will or can describe the heart with the loss of you here with me......May you be cutting a rug with your sweetheart :)
Rainbows and Unicorns my friends
holeRainbows and Unicorns...
Picking up the pieces of a broken heart
Recently, we have had some good and bad things happen to us that have made me think twice about many things. Often when things happen, good or bad people tend to say,"Everything happens for a reason, right?". This in some way should make us feel happy and give us that extra boost to get us past our troubles. I know I have said this before and there are things that happen and when you say this it applies. But, my question is what about those moments that literally sucker punch you and make you so sick to your stomach that you want to hurl, crawl into bed and not face the world for the next few days. What about those moments? In my mind I can replay so many things that have happened to me and yes, I can say this is the reason for that or I totally understand why this happened. I also know that there are things that have happened in my life that make me scratch my head, shake it back and forth, then I sigh and then I try to understand why in the world it happened.
I am not trying to sound angry or bitter in anyway about this. I am just a little lost on why bad things have to happen to good people. Take religion and God out and we don't have an answer to these questions. No one can answer why that child was abused, the 16 yr old girl who was raped, the parent that has lost their baby or child, a loss of a loved one who didn't get to live a full life in our eyes, why the woman stays with a man that beats her, the children that live on the streets, the people who are beat or ridiculed for their skin color or lifestyle. The list goes on and on. Leave religion and God in the picture and you might feel a better understanding but,it does not answer the famous question of WHY.
Things come in threes is the old saying especially bad things. I have to say that I have had a heart wrenching experience of loss and grief in the past month. See, we wanted to add to our little family and we had an early miscarriage. I never expected to feel like my heart was wrenched out of my body and soul. Never in a million years will I ever want to go through that again. Yes, I know it was an early loss, I know that other woman will go through many more and are able to handle that, yes, I even know that to some that this might not ever affect you and your lucky. I love my children more than I ever thought possible. The thought of adding an addition just made me excited. You can ask my husband and our friend how excited I was to know I was having another child. Even knowing I would be a high-risk pregnancy and puking my guts out forty times a day, was exciting because I would be getting the best gift in the end, another baby. Once again,it happened for a reason, right?? I can't not explain the ache that lies within my heart and soul. No, I will not grieve this event forever and no, I will not let this hinder my ability to mother my children that I have or to enjoy every moment with them(good or bad) But it does make me feel like a failure. That at this one precious gift that we as women have, I have failed. It does not matter the science or the statistic of 1 out of 10 women miscarry. I felt that I failed my husband and that is a horrible feeling. It still makes me feel like I failed that little being as well. Yes, time heals and no, I will not be adding to my wonderful family. It has made me realize even more that I live a blessed life.
It also, has made me realize the heartache of those women who suffer in silence or alone. I would have not gotten through this without my loving husband, who did not mind me bawling my eyes out for hours over this loss. I cannot say how lucky I am to have him at my side. I need to thank my father, my wonderful in-laws and my friends that constantly amaze me with their love and support.
So, yes it happened for a reason and that reason I will never know. Maybe it was not healthy, maybe my body could not handle it or maybe just maybe it was not meant to be. May we all be a little kinder or even take a moment before we speak the simple phrase of, "All things happen for a reason". No, reason can help heal the heart of a loss....It might help you eventually, just not at that precise moment.
I AM BLESSED, I AM NOT A FAILURE AND I AM LOVED BY MANY!! YES,IT IS TRUE AND SO ARE YOU! Do not let something or someone ever hold you back from the greatness that you possess my friends. Yes, you may repeat this all the time in your heart and mind.
With much love and gratitude in my heart for each and everyone of you..May the good man or whatever thing you believe in keep you safe and sound.
Peace, Love, Rainbows and Unicorns my friends!!
I am not trying to sound angry or bitter in anyway about this. I am just a little lost on why bad things have to happen to good people. Take religion and God out and we don't have an answer to these questions. No one can answer why that child was abused, the 16 yr old girl who was raped, the parent that has lost their baby or child, a loss of a loved one who didn't get to live a full life in our eyes, why the woman stays with a man that beats her, the children that live on the streets, the people who are beat or ridiculed for their skin color or lifestyle. The list goes on and on. Leave religion and God in the picture and you might feel a better understanding but,it does not answer the famous question of WHY.
Things come in threes is the old saying especially bad things. I have to say that I have had a heart wrenching experience of loss and grief in the past month. See, we wanted to add to our little family and we had an early miscarriage. I never expected to feel like my heart was wrenched out of my body and soul. Never in a million years will I ever want to go through that again. Yes, I know it was an early loss, I know that other woman will go through many more and are able to handle that, yes, I even know that to some that this might not ever affect you and your lucky. I love my children more than I ever thought possible. The thought of adding an addition just made me excited. You can ask my husband and our friend how excited I was to know I was having another child. Even knowing I would be a high-risk pregnancy and puking my guts out forty times a day, was exciting because I would be getting the best gift in the end, another baby. Once again,it happened for a reason, right?? I can't not explain the ache that lies within my heart and soul. No, I will not grieve this event forever and no, I will not let this hinder my ability to mother my children that I have or to enjoy every moment with them(good or bad) But it does make me feel like a failure. That at this one precious gift that we as women have, I have failed. It does not matter the science or the statistic of 1 out of 10 women miscarry. I felt that I failed my husband and that is a horrible feeling. It still makes me feel like I failed that little being as well. Yes, time heals and no, I will not be adding to my wonderful family. It has made me realize even more that I live a blessed life.
It also, has made me realize the heartache of those women who suffer in silence or alone. I would have not gotten through this without my loving husband, who did not mind me bawling my eyes out for hours over this loss. I cannot say how lucky I am to have him at my side. I need to thank my father, my wonderful in-laws and my friends that constantly amaze me with their love and support.
So, yes it happened for a reason and that reason I will never know. Maybe it was not healthy, maybe my body could not handle it or maybe just maybe it was not meant to be. May we all be a little kinder or even take a moment before we speak the simple phrase of, "All things happen for a reason". No, reason can help heal the heart of a loss....It might help you eventually, just not at that precise moment.
I AM BLESSED, I AM NOT A FAILURE AND I AM LOVED BY MANY!! YES,IT IS TRUE AND SO ARE YOU! Do not let something or someone ever hold you back from the greatness that you possess my friends. Yes, you may repeat this all the time in your heart and mind.
With much love and gratitude in my heart for each and everyone of you..May the good man or whatever thing you believe in keep you safe and sound.
Peace, Love, Rainbows and Unicorns my friends!!
Thursday, October 24, 2013
My secret unfolding...
So, now that my secret is out in the world. There are a few things that I need to say.... THANK YOU,THANK YOU and THANK YOU for the outpour of love and support. I was very nervous about opening up my secret door to my family, friends and to the unknown. Trust me there is so many things about everyone you meet that you don't know. We all have a past full of colorful stories, sins, pain, tears, love, laughter, jokes, heartache,and so much more.
I have been struggling on what to write and how to move forward with this now being out in the world. I have had so many people reach out to me to lend support, encouragement,love,their stories, and advice. I have felt every kind word and every ounce of goodness sent my way. The past sixteen years have been quite the learning curve for myself. I never thought I would be the one who struggled for what seems like a lifetime with this dirty little secret.
I remember when I was a senior in high school and running everyday rain, sun, sleet, hail and snow. My mom knitted me a nose warmer for those frosty nights and that gave me the ability to keep going in the freezing weather. I might have looked silly, but I could not or would not miss my run or stadiums. I was noticing about mid-way through the fall semester that I was lagging in all my daily activities my runs got harder, I slept in most my classes, and missed school. I was soon diagnosed with Mono and was told bed rest due to my spleen on the verge of exploding. So, knowing this I still refused to stop, dammit I needed to have this one ounce of control in my life. I soon was found lying in bed wishing I was running or even better off at moments dead. The one thing in life that I was supposed to control I could no longer control and that my was my body. I was never on the verge of taking my life, I was just in my own personal hell. I am by nature a person who does not know the meaning of taking it slow. I love to be active at all times and I figure I will rest when I am dead. My family is all the same way..Anyways, once I was cleared to be active again I went full force and found that inner calm in my soul.
I can't say that my life was wrenched, I just think that I was taught at a young age that my body was imperfect. Maybe to some they could see the beauty but I could not. After high school I continued my behaviors, but at times would give myself a break. I was given the opportunity to move away and be a nanny for a year in northern California. I was smitten with the family and area that I never wanted to leave again. This is where and when I learned some very hard lessons in my life. I never had been this far away from family and I was alone and I felt it. I soon started to have a social life, date, friends, visits from family and friends, etc. With new people in my life I soon was hearing how I could change to be better, that I was fat, if I only would dress like this and blah, blah, blah. Now, I want to state I take full responsibility for my own actions!
So, I soon figured that after I ate that if I purged I felt better and I wouldn't gain weight. Now, at this time in my life(most of my life) I weighed around 110-115 lbs. Even then I thought I was enormous and could tell you where I needed to lose weight. I soon lost control of my demon after a few life altering experiences that taught me no matter how hard I tried life was spinning out of control. I only purged one or two times a day at first and what I was eating barely was anything. I was dying to be a 100 lbs so then I would be skinny, right? After awhile it soon became a stress reliever for me and for the next sixteen years it would be my dirty little secret. I can't explain the feeling of relief that overcomes me when I purge. I learned quickly that it would bring me a sense of control. Can you sense the lack of control that I felt in my life. I craved it all the time. Even if I just ate one or two pieces of fruit or a piece of pizza I would not keep it down.
I abruptly left California to find some kind of peace or safety in my life. I came home and my life was a whirlwind and I continued to spin out of control. There are few things in my life that changed me, but the experiences that I had in California forever has changed me. Good or bad it affected my most inner being and soul. I was changed and I was so very lost. I found solace in purging and I found joy in destroying my body by killing it slowly with exercise and purging. I got to the point that I was very sick and very lost in my life. I finally shared with my mom what was going on. All of a sudden I felt worse not better and I just wanted to be left alone. I picked myself up and left home again on a search for peace. I told my mom that I was better and I didn't need to see anyone and that I would be fine in a few months. I pretended that I was better, healthy, happy, and all that crap just to be left alone to continue my behavior. I swept it under the rug and did what I did best pretend... that I was invincible and happy.
Please, understand that this is not a moment in my life that I treasure nor do I look back at fondly. At times I am amazed that I am still breathing and that I am where I am in my life. I don't write this for anyone's pity I write this to help heal myself. I write this because I know that I am not alone in this battle. I write this because I am worth more than facing my fear and sorrows with my head in a toilet. I write this to hopefully encourage someone else to get help. I have daughters, I have nieces and I have sisters, and friends that all empower me by loving me for me. I am not perfect I am flawed beyond repair..yes, I am even broken. I am often told that I am not broken that I am perfect just the way I am. If I don't write this or share this I have failed on my part.
I am learning we go through things in life to strength every ounce of our being. I am now being held accountable and am facing the repercussions of my actions. I can not stay silent for my heart and mind need to find peace. I am doing something far beyond my comfort zone. I am showing my vulnerability to those I know and those I don't know. Please, I beg of you don't pity me I can not live with pity! I can live with shame, which I have and I can live with the fact my story just might help another. I am me and I am strong...
Please, share if you need to with someone if you are struggling, even if it is admitting that you might have a problem. Find help because this is something that we can not fix on our own. And remember that this does not make you weak this makes you brave for facing the truth even if it is ugly.
I write this story so I will never forget how lucky I am in my life to be here still and to remind myself that I am worth it. I write this to remind myself to keep my head up and that I am loved....
Learning to love oneself is a constant lesson in life that we all need to continue to learn it...
I have been struggling on what to write and how to move forward with this now being out in the world. I have had so many people reach out to me to lend support, encouragement,love,their stories, and advice. I have felt every kind word and every ounce of goodness sent my way. The past sixteen years have been quite the learning curve for myself. I never thought I would be the one who struggled for what seems like a lifetime with this dirty little secret.
I remember when I was a senior in high school and running everyday rain, sun, sleet, hail and snow. My mom knitted me a nose warmer for those frosty nights and that gave me the ability to keep going in the freezing weather. I might have looked silly, but I could not or would not miss my run or stadiums. I was noticing about mid-way through the fall semester that I was lagging in all my daily activities my runs got harder, I slept in most my classes, and missed school. I was soon diagnosed with Mono and was told bed rest due to my spleen on the verge of exploding. So, knowing this I still refused to stop, dammit I needed to have this one ounce of control in my life. I soon was found lying in bed wishing I was running or even better off at moments dead. The one thing in life that I was supposed to control I could no longer control and that my was my body. I was never on the verge of taking my life, I was just in my own personal hell. I am by nature a person who does not know the meaning of taking it slow. I love to be active at all times and I figure I will rest when I am dead. My family is all the same way..Anyways, once I was cleared to be active again I went full force and found that inner calm in my soul.
I can't say that my life was wrenched, I just think that I was taught at a young age that my body was imperfect. Maybe to some they could see the beauty but I could not. After high school I continued my behaviors, but at times would give myself a break. I was given the opportunity to move away and be a nanny for a year in northern California. I was smitten with the family and area that I never wanted to leave again. This is where and when I learned some very hard lessons in my life. I never had been this far away from family and I was alone and I felt it. I soon started to have a social life, date, friends, visits from family and friends, etc. With new people in my life I soon was hearing how I could change to be better, that I was fat, if I only would dress like this and blah, blah, blah. Now, I want to state I take full responsibility for my own actions!
So, I soon figured that after I ate that if I purged I felt better and I wouldn't gain weight. Now, at this time in my life(most of my life) I weighed around 110-115 lbs. Even then I thought I was enormous and could tell you where I needed to lose weight. I soon lost control of my demon after a few life altering experiences that taught me no matter how hard I tried life was spinning out of control. I only purged one or two times a day at first and what I was eating barely was anything. I was dying to be a 100 lbs so then I would be skinny, right? After awhile it soon became a stress reliever for me and for the next sixteen years it would be my dirty little secret. I can't explain the feeling of relief that overcomes me when I purge. I learned quickly that it would bring me a sense of control. Can you sense the lack of control that I felt in my life. I craved it all the time. Even if I just ate one or two pieces of fruit or a piece of pizza I would not keep it down.
I abruptly left California to find some kind of peace or safety in my life. I came home and my life was a whirlwind and I continued to spin out of control. There are few things in my life that changed me, but the experiences that I had in California forever has changed me. Good or bad it affected my most inner being and soul. I was changed and I was so very lost. I found solace in purging and I found joy in destroying my body by killing it slowly with exercise and purging. I got to the point that I was very sick and very lost in my life. I finally shared with my mom what was going on. All of a sudden I felt worse not better and I just wanted to be left alone. I picked myself up and left home again on a search for peace. I told my mom that I was better and I didn't need to see anyone and that I would be fine in a few months. I pretended that I was better, healthy, happy, and all that crap just to be left alone to continue my behavior. I swept it under the rug and did what I did best pretend... that I was invincible and happy.
Please, understand that this is not a moment in my life that I treasure nor do I look back at fondly. At times I am amazed that I am still breathing and that I am where I am in my life. I don't write this for anyone's pity I write this to help heal myself. I write this because I know that I am not alone in this battle. I write this because I am worth more than facing my fear and sorrows with my head in a toilet. I write this to hopefully encourage someone else to get help. I have daughters, I have nieces and I have sisters, and friends that all empower me by loving me for me. I am not perfect I am flawed beyond repair..yes, I am even broken. I am often told that I am not broken that I am perfect just the way I am. If I don't write this or share this I have failed on my part.
I am learning we go through things in life to strength every ounce of our being. I am now being held accountable and am facing the repercussions of my actions. I can not stay silent for my heart and mind need to find peace. I am doing something far beyond my comfort zone. I am showing my vulnerability to those I know and those I don't know. Please, I beg of you don't pity me I can not live with pity! I can live with shame, which I have and I can live with the fact my story just might help another. I am me and I am strong...
Please, share if you need to with someone if you are struggling, even if it is admitting that you might have a problem. Find help because this is something that we can not fix on our own. And remember that this does not make you weak this makes you brave for facing the truth even if it is ugly.
I write this story so I will never forget how lucky I am in my life to be here still and to remind myself that I am worth it. I write this to remind myself to keep my head up and that I am loved....
Learning to love oneself is a constant lesson in life that we all need to continue to learn it...
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