Secrets of a brown girl...

Okay, I have a secret that most people do not know of and some people do. I can't say that I am proud of my actions nor can I say that I regret them either. Wait,I should explain that last part...Being a Bulimic has consumed at least 16 years of my life. I do regret the crappy effects that it has had on my body. I do not regret that I have found my voice and feel that there has to be others like me out in this world. If I can help one person besides myself I will have made my secret worthwhile.

"In the United States, 20 million women and 10 million men suffer from a clinically significant eating disorder at some time in their life, including anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, binge eating disorder, or an eating disorder not otherwise specified (EDNOS) (Wade, Keski-Rahkonen, & Hudson, 2011). For various reasons, many cases are likely not to be reported. In addition, many individuals struggle with body dissatisfaction and sub-clinical disordered eating attitudes and behaviors, and the best-known contributor to the development of anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa is body dissatisfaction (Stice, 2002). By age 6, girls especially start to express concerns about their own weight or shape. 40-60% of elementary school girls (ages 6-12) are concerned about their weight or about becoming too fat. This concern endures through life" (Smolak, 2011).

By the age of 8 years old my mom had me doing crunches every night because I was chubby. In actual reality I wasn't chubby I was average and looking at my own children know that I was just built different than the girls I was growing up with. By the age of 12 I hated my body not only did I think I was fat, I also hated my Afro hair and golden skin. I did not look like the girls I was being brought up with and honestly, it sucked. My body image issues are just that mine and mine alone. I can look back with a little more love and kindness in my heart towards my old self. I have never been this honest even with myself. I hated my body growing up and just wished that I could look like everyone else. I always dressed in baggy clothes because not only had I convinced myself I was fat, but I had a mom, (that didn't mean to) but passed on her own body images to me. She herself was big and I think that she didn't want me to be her. Funny thing is, is that we are not blood related. I was adopted at the age of 3 and yes, Hispanics are known for being curvy.(Who knew)

I always watched what I ate due to the fact I was deathly afraid of getting fat and I continued to think I was ugly as well. At the age of 14 I was running 8 miles daily and kept that habit up for years. I then would go and run stadiums for 30-40 minutes and then I would go home and do an ab workout. I had no idea why I did this and no matter what was going on my life I rarely missed a day. Yes, it was control of something, right? If I could control what went into my body and what my body could do I would be invincible to the world around me. I was often looked at as the girl who could handle anything that was thrown my way. Yes, I could and then I would practically kill myself by pounding the crap out of my body.

Around the age of Twenty-one I had a life changing experience where I learned that I could not control a Damn thing in my life. So, I turned my exercising into my demon and food into my worst enemy. I was learning to cope and to regain a little control in my so called life. After a year and getting very sick, I came clean to my mom and she thought after awhile I was better. Being a bulimic you learn what to say and do to have people get off your back. Really, all I did was hide it a whole hell of a lot better. It then became this big secret that I hid for a long time in my life. I tried counseling and basically, put a band-aide on it for a few months at a time. No matter who was in my life it became my obsession.. I didn't ever binge eat I just wanted that relief that I got every time I purged. I was in control, right??

After I got married I hid it off and on for a few years until it reared it's ugly head. I lost someone very close to me and for the millionth time it seemed that my fractured little world was falling apart again..So, I turned to the one thing that would bring me comfort and yes, joy. I was in control of something. At this point my son was around 2 or 3 and had walked in on me. I felt ashamed for the first time. I had a little girl who wasn't very old at the time and I knew that I had to do something to break the cycle. I refuse to be a hypocrite to my children. I sought out help to learn how to cope in different ways. .
Don't get me wrong I still fight that urge on a daily basis to not purge. Most people like to think that I am a healthy little hippie, in which some ways is very true. The reasoning behind it is the control of something in my life. I don't eat healthy because I enjoy it all the time. I do it because it is a way to heal my body and to know that I am responsible for my actions. A lot of people with eating disorders are very health conscience because we make it our life mission. We are great at counting calories, telling you what you should avoid and such, because we ourselves avoid it too.
I truly feel that this is starting to happen at such young ages in our society that we need to have voices and stop the craziness of body images and control. I have two daughters that I will do anything for in this world and I want to them to grow up healthy and strong. Our beauty starts at the root of our souls and we are in charge of creating a good life for ourselves.
As much as I know now about the effect of ED's, I still have body issues and I know that this is my challenge and only I can fix it. I just wanted to let people know that I am just as messed up as the next person, but I am hoping that the cycle will be broken. We need to take a step back, and realize that we only have one body and we should learn to love the hell out of it. One day, it will slowly start to break down from our past decisions and lifestyles. Love yourself and if you don't, learn how...



If you have an eating disorder or know someone that does, please seek help..

Broken

Wow, is all I can say at the moment..I am grateful for the fact it's just a broken collarbone and not something much worse. Yes, it's crappy and yes, I have shed a few tears over the fact she is broken again. I worry about her because she is so full of life and truly has no fear except occasionally at night with bad dreams. These bad dreams I can shoo away with a mamma is here baby girl and it's all better. With a bone busted again I have to wait and be patient not only with the healing process but with her. I don't think that many really realize how independent and fiery of a Bear she really is. She earned her name and it suits her very well.
I am amazed at her ability to pick herself up and to be a very brave 4 yr old. She never stays down for long and her ability to make you feel comforted in her time of need is quite humbling.
I have realized that being broken isn't just physical but also, spiritual and emotional too. Today is probably the first day and I hate to admit this, but that I actually took more than 20 minutes to just be still. I was on the verge of tears of not only guilt, anger, sadness and just feeling sorry for myself and Bear. When I realized I was broken somewhere within my soul and heart. The agony of this comes and goes quickly because if I sit still then it consumes me. Really, we are all broken somehow or someway..It's what we choose to do with this brokenness. Do we sit and let it consume us to the point that we no longer see the rainbows and fairy tales in the world. Or do we say bring it and keep bringing it, because I will kick some serious trash! I was talking with my family and I am amazed at the strength that our parents had with us. I am humbled by the community of well wishes and hugs that I received today. All the messages and cokes and goodies too. I am going to say that I have a wonderful friend who has touched the hearts and soul of this house. She came over and just let me have my moment that only a mom could fix. I believe strongly that everyone we meet has a time and place in our lives. Today was a day that I needed my mom and low and behold I got one. Moms are wonderful and so are grandmothers, no matter how someone becomes family they are still family.
So, even if we have a broken Bear she's truly not broken anything about her fiery spirit! She has taught me today that it only can get better and that it's okay mamma I love you. Life doesn't get better than I love you's!!
Bring it on nothing I can't handle well at least for the next few moments ...

So, Mother's Day is hard for me now and I dislike going to church, because it is a constant reminder of what I am missing. and they always sing my moms favorite song and I end up in tears and this year I will pass. I don't need a building to remind me of her, I know she lives in my heart always. I know that there are a few of us that have joined the club of mom's in heaven and some of those mom's might not of been my own, but were just were like mine growing up. My sweet friends thank you for sharing them with me! To my friends that have had a recent loss remember everything she said and you will soon feel it in your own heart and if you listen you still can hear her. For those that have lost a child or sister remember that they are needed somewhere else more than here.
To my own moms: my birth mom, my mom and to my sweet mother in law...Thank you for loving me at my most unlovable moments. Which have been quite a few over the past 35 years.
I stand in awe of my birth mother to this day and I often don't mention her at all. It's not that she is forgotten I just don't remember her besides the sacrifice that she did for my brother and I. One day I will get the courage to search and find out if she is alive, but I don't think that I could get my hopes up for an ending I already know in my heart. I am amazed that she had the strength to do what she did and I can't imagine the heartache and loss she must of felt. I can't leave my babies for more than a few days without that ache in my heart overtaking me. I always tell my husband I don't know if I would have had the strength at that moment to let us go. I hope that I can claim that I have some little part of her in me and that my girls will too. I hope that one day I will meet her either here or in heaven. To thank her because without that sacrifice I wouldn't be here as a mom to my three little ones. Thank you Josefina and I truly hope that I live up to half of the example you set and that I have made you proud.
Mom, with tears in my eyes,even after three long years, I can't help but wish you were here. I need you more than ever it seems that I am so lost at times. Thank you for adopting us and for raising us as your own. I know that we all gave you a run for your money but really it was the boys ideas. I remember when people would ask how it felt to be adopted and if you were my mom. Not once did you ever make me feel like I wasn't your own. Heck you told me I was white and that I look like you..Boy, was I fooled! Did you know that I am brown and look nothing like you..I was shocked to learn it too! I know that our past was rough and I wish that it hadn't taken so many years to get to be your friend also. Thank you for riding my rear and expecting only the best that I had in my heart. I might not always live up to the expectation but I know I can when needs be. Your examples of love, hard work, forgiveness, laughter, music, and so many more things. Have helped shape me into being I am. I know your faults, I know why we fought all the time I was growing up and that was to make sure I became a good person. I wish I could say that I take it all back those moments of anger or hurt, but I don't. It has hopefully made me the woman and mother that I am. Thank you for loving me and guiding me for all those years. I love and miss you terribly..Til we meet again in gods arms.
Last but not least to my mother in law..which by the way seems wrong to say since, she is so much like my mom. I remember my mom telling me that it would have been so much harder to have me so far away if I hadn't had you here. She always told me how much she loved the fact that you took me in with open arms and made sure her baby was okay. I love you and appreciate the fact you raised a good fella. You always state to me that I am like your own and I never doubt that. I love you with all my heart and thanks for being a wonderful mom and grandmother.
I love motherhood, it's something I never dreamed of having or wanting. I now can't even imagine not having the three greatest blessing/angels in my life. I think that I have finally found something that I am not only good at, but proud to be.. a MOM. The short and simple word fills my heart with so much love and I can't imagine not being here at this moment in my life. I know that I wouldn't be here without the loving support of my loving husband, brothers, family and friends. Love you all and once again HAPPY MOTHER"S DAY TO ALL!!

Too many irons in the firepit called life

So lately I have been running around with my head cut off, literally!! I have added so many things to my life in the past few months that I can't think about it all or I will breakdown. I have ventured out into the working world again and I enjoy it. It's just trying to find the balance with my family and other volunteer positions that I do. I am not writing to say look at me and how much I can do. Because, if you ask some around me they will say I have entirely lost every ounce of common sense in me. I have a husband that has a demanding time schedule and most times we see each other in passing.
People ask me on a daily basis one am I crazy and two how do I do it all?? Well, if you ask me I haven't even scratched the surface of the pretend to-do list, because if I actually write it down and everything isn't crossed off I feel like a complete failure. Instead at the moment I do the best I can to make sure everyone is still alive :) I still feel like a failure for dropping my youngest at others or daycare so I can work or it's the I can't right now I am working on something for one of the positions I volunteer for. It's me being impatience and always in a hurry to get to wherever we need to be or to finish a project. Yes, maybe I should write things down or try to have a better schedule, but I have always said I work better with organized chaos than an organized situation.
I have recently read a few books on motherhood, raising kids, better relationships and organizing my home and time. What I have gotten from these is that somewhere in the past few 20 years the expectations of us has been amplified to a measure beyond reaching. I am a perfectionist personalty always have been since I was little. My mom and dad taught me do it right the first time or keep doing it until you do. It the famous phrase in my family. So, with all this being said..Why in the hello-operator is it not hitting my expectations of being the mom who can juggle one hundred things at one time and still be able to be the happy mom/wife/sister/daughter/friend. I have an expectation of how my day should go and never does my day go the way I want it too. It usually ends up with tears, frustration and not just from me but those around me.
The funny thing is that I try to tell others to slow down and don't beat yourself up. I have figured that I want those around me to slow down and for myself I can do everything. Maybe it's because my mom and dad weren't around when I was little, or the fact my mom was a single mom and had time to do everything or maybe it's the expectation that some have put on me since I was little or maybe it's just because I truly think that I can and if I don't I'm a failure. My husband,kiddos,brothers,dad,my wonderful in-laws and friends are what keep telling me I am worth it and to slow down.
I know that this week has been crappy due to my impatience, sharp tongue and in ability to be okay with not getting everything done. I honestly feel like I fail if I can't do everything because I have that little voice saying here is the line and why haven't you reached it. In the process I have lost something and that is TIME with the three things that have made a me better person. As one of my friends says," I am not saving for college I am saving for therapy for my kids". Because, in the end if I haven't taught them it is okay to fail and that yes, we should do our best the first time, but even then it's okay if we didn't succeed, then I have failed.
I just want to say I have to many irons in the fire(per my papa)and if I don't listen to the music or that little voice that helps me to be sane,then what is the point? If we all could realize at the end of each day if we have forgiven, said I love a hundred times, given hugs and really have just done our best to be the best us. We have succeeded and yes,our pretend list can be done another day.
Life has no rule book we create our own rules and by-laws. So, I guess I just needed to write this to remind myself that if I have been a good person and my kids go to bed with full tummy's and hearts, then I have accomplished something far greater than a pretend to-do list, I will have accomplished the art of being a loving kind mom. It is when we sacrifice a little, not all of our own souls to help mold our future that we truly become a greater being. So, turn up the music, do a little dance and laugh until your sides hurt! Life is far too short for all of us to not hear tune of our own souls.

I am ME..it's that simple

Lately I have seemed to struggle to find where my piece of the puzzle fits. I often wonder what is wrong with me that my piece doesn't fit into this big old puzzle called life. Well, after to many tears and beating my head against a wall that will never soften, guess what??? I have finally decided I am ME!!!

I know that I am weird and I am so far from perfect, but guess what no longer will I cry or try to fit the norm. I don't and I won't ever want too.. Who wants to be that person that drives that car or wears that brand or for heaven sake worries constantly about what others might think. I have always marched to my own tune and I have often wondered if those around me can hear the lovely song in my life. It gets the dramatic tune, it gets the happy bird tunes, it gets the I am so in love tune, but most of all it is my tune and that makes me, ME!!

So, stop trying to be someone or something that goes against your true character and start being you!!! Today is that day that you kick or fist pump to your new freedom of being the one and only original you. If people can't take the time to get past the first impression guess what it is truly there loss. I can't think of anyone in my life that I don't love and admire. I feel blessed for every person that I make a new bond with and I feel lucky that they are willing to get to know me and forgive me for my imperfections.Your right I don't think like most and your right I am constantly doing my best to be a better person. I am here for my own personal journey to become the best ME. Not the best of what everybody else thinks I should be. I lived that life already and guess what at the end of each day I would collapse with a sense of failure. In the past two years I have really worked on being happy with ME in my life that is so perfectly chaotic. I wish that everyone could see what I see when I am with my family and friends. Yes, even if I haven't seen you in years I still consider you a friend and only what you to be happy. Learn to be happy where you stand always. Because you and I have chosen our paths and we will stumble,fall, cry, laugh, love, and most of all feel something greater than us. Take a moment and just be you!!

I know that I can't stand back and watch this cycle with my own three angels..So,maybe I have struggled with this in my life but guess what I know now a thing or two that might just might help my little ones.

ME IS A MAGICAL AND POWERFUL WORD!!!

ME

Thinking back on my life I realize that it hasn't been peaches and cream. With this thought in my mind I would like to think and believe that it has shaped me into the person that I currently am which is ME. Knowing this I wonder if this means I am the best me or is it a continual process to get to the best me? I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and at times a very toxic environment but, honestly who doesn't??? I now wonder if I would have been raised in another family or culture: would I be able to succeed in my life...

We all have events in our past that help shape not only our actions,but our feelings, beliefs and our dreams. With this said I feel that there are two pathways in life to pick from. The first path is bitterness,anger,hate,self-loathing,self-pity and resentment. The second path is love,laughter, awareness,happiness,forgiveness and eagerness to do better in our own individual lives.I personally have chosen the second path for the most part of my life. I know that at times I have fallen quite short of how I was raised to be: strong, independent,loving, kind, stubborn, forgiving and most of all happy.

I feel that the big guys upstairs will never give me to much to handle. Even though at times I feel that I am drowning in my mistakes or struggles. He hears us and knows our needs. You might say that he is always one step ahead of us. We need to be willing to listen with all sincerity and a humbleness to be guided in that portion of our lives. Now, by saying that, I know that this belief system is not for everyone to believe in nor do I think that you should just because I do. Do what you feel is right in your own way and I still think that he or whoever or whatever thing greater than you will guide your thoughts and actions when you are struggling!

I have recently been bombarded with things from my past or things from others past that have either directly impacted me or someone I love. So, I just have to put this out here. When we choose our own personal pathways remember who you are and what you stand for always. Yes, we will fail, we will stumble, cry, yell, and often not have the will to get back on our paths. When you are at this point in life know that I have been there and I will always do my best to give you a hand back up. Don't forget how wonderful and precious you are to me, but also to those around you. I believe that I can change the world not only with my hands, but also my heart...

Moments in life....

Memories are those moments in life that you either want to end or to never end. I have a few of both in my life. I received a card in the mail the other day from my oldest brother and I literally opened it and smiled hugely. It made my not so good day turn into a wonderful moment of happiness and love. It also bought back a truckload of those specials memories of all the cards my own mom sent me. I remember when I was younger and struggling there would be a card right there on my bed or in the mail for me. How did she know I would think to myself and often would read it and forget about it at that moment. But now I can feel those moments in my heart..The other day I read a card that she had written me a few years back thanking me for my hospitality, or there is the one she wrote to tell me how much she missed me not living by her anymore. These words are sometimes just what I need to keep moving on.
I am glad that I get random cards from those that I love at just the right moment. Once again how did you know what it would mean. My hubby used to call me a hoarder for keeping my cards or notes from others. I sometimes will go downstairs and read every card from my mom and Steve that I can find. Or sometimes read ones from when I was much younger and wiser :)
Some of the moments that I wish will never end are the ones with my kids.Even though my patience is worn thin at times I dread the day that they figure out that they won't need me for every little thing. Don't get me wrong I am happy for them to grow up and be there own person. I just want them still to want to be with me at times. I think some of the best times are when we are all relaxing and doing nothing but hanging out. I love bedtime when it is not rushed since that is when they tell me all their needs,wishes, hurts and happiness. I love hearing them snore and trying to figure out how they ended up with every stuffed animal on them. I love the chaos that is brought into my little home with my chaotic family. I think the best is the sticky kisses, hugs and I love you's. These moments are the ones that I want to never end. The yelling , throwing and madness could end but then I would not have the perfect family for me.
Moments are what you make of them, just make them count is my thought.