I am not sure what else to do besides bawl. Who knew that one lousy day could change your world so immensely. I remember waking up and thinking argh, 5am seriously? So, I get my little one up and ready to go and keep having a gut wrenching feeling that this might just be a long day! Who ever knew it would turn out the way it did. When I pulled up to the hospital and mom wasn't there yet. I thought to myself of course mom is late:) She rarely was on time anymore and I also remember thinking to myself are you kidding me mom this is a huge thing we are doing. I also remember thinking what if she doesn't make it. What will I do? But as quickly as that thought came it went away..My mom would make it and we would figure out why she was in so much pain. I guess I could write down each painful moment after that, but I am not ready for that moment not just yet.
What I will say is that I now look back and I am grateful that i was early and that I had those few extra moments with her. I never got to say good-bye but I am not sure if that would do me any good if I did. They are just words I am told that might not really bring that peaceful feeling that I have struggled to find in the past 12 months. What I have learned is that I can hate with a passion! I can't say that I am proud of this new talent that I have. I can say that the first month was one of the hardest things I have personally or emotionally gone through ever. Who knew that people aren't always what they seem and that those that have good intentions are really just the wolf in sheep's clothing. People are ruthless and selfish and cruel. I also learned that I have the best family in the world. Nobody has the brothers that I do who never let me go to far out of their loving reach. Never have I felt so much love and anger to those around me and never have I felt so loved by those that truly know who I am. I also gained one of the best friends that you can ever have and she was truly the back bone of the whole mess of things that were going on. And that would be my sister in law. I am grateful for her willingness to always to be the one who helped us up when we fell down. I love you! My husband gets the I love you and I am so grateful to you for helping guide me back to where I needed to be. My children are my sanity and yes even in those crazy moments of life I never forget to let them know how much they mean to me.My in laws on my hubby side all i can say is that they are just like my very own family. They have been truly a great strength in my life.
At one point in the whole process of the first month I felt my self slipping off to the land of hatred that ate at every inch of my being. I could hear my hubby whispering to me that I was changing and that I need to be true
to myself. I needed to have that moment in my life where I all could see was down a huge cliff and wonder to myself what if? One night was the turning point for me..it was the night that my best friends that I have had almost my whole life took me out and saved me from this huge deep pit of hatred and my own personal hell. We all went out and they did what friends that are true do. They remind you of why they love and need you.
And yes they know how to have a good time. It was also the night that I finally listened to the whisperings of my loving husband gently calling me back to who. I know that people around loved my mother. Not for a moment do I doubt, that not ever. What I did doubt is who I was. I finally figured out that people not only loved my mother but they loved me for being ME!
So, thank you to those that loved me and believed that I could be better and helping me. I truly can't express that gratitude that I have for having a great family and a great set of friends. To a new year with all of you!
