ME

Thinking back on my life I realize that it hasn't been peaches and cream. With this thought in my mind I would like to think and believe that it has shaped me into the person that I currently am which is ME. Knowing this I wonder if this means I am the best me or is it a continual process to get to the best me? I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and at times a very toxic environment but, honestly who doesn't??? I now wonder if I would have been raised in another family or culture: would I be able to succeed in my life...

We all have events in our past that help shape not only our actions,but our feelings, beliefs and our dreams. With this said I feel that there are two pathways in life to pick from. The first path is bitterness,anger,hate,self-loathing,self-pity and resentment. The second path is love,laughter, awareness,happiness,forgiveness and eagerness to do better in our own individual lives.I personally have chosen the second path for the most part of my life. I know that at times I have fallen quite short of how I was raised to be: strong, independent,loving, kind, stubborn, forgiving and most of all happy.

I feel that the big guys upstairs will never give me to much to handle. Even though at times I feel that I am drowning in my mistakes or struggles. He hears us and knows our needs. You might say that he is always one step ahead of us. We need to be willing to listen with all sincerity and a humbleness to be guided in that portion of our lives. Now, by saying that, I know that this belief system is not for everyone to believe in nor do I think that you should just because I do. Do what you feel is right in your own way and I still think that he or whoever or whatever thing greater than you will guide your thoughts and actions when you are struggling!

I have recently been bombarded with things from my past or things from others past that have either directly impacted me or someone I love. So, I just have to put this out here. When we choose our own personal pathways remember who you are and what you stand for always. Yes, we will fail, we will stumble, cry, yell, and often not have the will to get back on our paths. When you are at this point in life know that I have been there and I will always do my best to give you a hand back up. Don't forget how wonderful and precious you are to me, but also to those around you. I believe that I can change the world not only with my hands, but also my heart...

Moments in life....

Memories are those moments in life that you either want to end or to never end. I have a few of both in my life. I received a card in the mail the other day from my oldest brother and I literally opened it and smiled hugely. It made my not so good day turn into a wonderful moment of happiness and love. It also bought back a truckload of those specials memories of all the cards my own mom sent me. I remember when I was younger and struggling there would be a card right there on my bed or in the mail for me. How did she know I would think to myself and often would read it and forget about it at that moment. But now I can feel those moments in my heart..The other day I read a card that she had written me a few years back thanking me for my hospitality, or there is the one she wrote to tell me how much she missed me not living by her anymore. These words are sometimes just what I need to keep moving on.
I am glad that I get random cards from those that I love at just the right moment. Once again how did you know what it would mean. My hubby used to call me a hoarder for keeping my cards or notes from others. I sometimes will go downstairs and read every card from my mom and Steve that I can find. Or sometimes read ones from when I was much younger and wiser :)
Some of the moments that I wish will never end are the ones with my kids.Even though my patience is worn thin at times I dread the day that they figure out that they won't need me for every little thing. Don't get me wrong I am happy for them to grow up and be there own person. I just want them still to want to be with me at times. I think some of the best times are when we are all relaxing and doing nothing but hanging out. I love bedtime when it is not rushed since that is when they tell me all their needs,wishes, hurts and happiness. I love hearing them snore and trying to figure out how they ended up with every stuffed animal on them. I love the chaos that is brought into my little home with my chaotic family. I think the best is the sticky kisses, hugs and I love you's. These moments are the ones that I want to never end. The yelling , throwing and madness could end but then I would not have the perfect family for me.
Moments are what you make of them, just make them count is my thought.

"Pink Chair"

My mom loved the color Pink..she thought eventually that it would be my favorite color. So far she has been very wrong on that front. When I think of my mom she really was the color "pink"! She loved beauty in all forms(besides us kids tattoos/piercings)art,people,she loved soft materials and loved things that made her feel beautiful.
Growing up there would be many times when my Mom and I would talk or sometimes just sit and I would listen to her and Steve sing and play the piano..I miss those moments and I know now that I would have still taken off just as quickly to be at the next big thing in my very important life as a teen (:
This chair is no longer with me since I know that I can't keep those memories by keeping that chair. It has sat in my entry next to my mom's entry table,curio cabinet and her dining room table that I refinished. In the next room I had her end table and Piano...I just felt that all of a sudden I lived in a weird zone.
What I mean is that I felt over a year ago that there was no way I could let these items go. For heaven sakes I had some good chats with my mom..So I thought of course that I would sit in her chair and I would love feeling a bit closer to her. Well, honestly I felt nothing of the sorts! More than anything it has been painful to walk those stairs every day and know that these items really don't belong. It's like that sesame street game which one of these things don't belong. Well, I have learned a valuable lesson..Things can never replace No matter how hard we to try those moments or even those feelings we once had.
So,just this morning I got rid of some of my mothers stuff. That's right I just called it stuff because that is what it is. I feel a bit naked without them but I know that for me to continue it is the right thing to do. So,I have let go of the once so comforting chair and those blasted tables that I dusted for my whole freaking life!! Mom once again you taught me another lesson..I truly can move forward without losing my moments and thoughts of you!! Love you momma;)

Birthdays

Well, one more down and hopefully at least 33 more to go! What a crazy time of year it is for myself and my family. Life doesn't ever slow down and if it did I am not so sure what I would do with myself. Besides take a well deserved nap! Well, this year was pretty full of surprises since my hubby threw a fabulous party that I really had no clue about.
On my actual birthday I got to watch my son clobber another team in Little league and then continue on and take an overall second place in the Pinewood Derby. My family growing up was pretty hardcore since my brothers always were in 1st and 2nd place. So, to watch my boy lose two rounds back to back where a bit heartbreaking for me. He really is such a good kid and I know at times that I am way to hash or hard on the boy. At the end of each day though I know that I must be doing something right since well in my eyes he is quite the best. As a parent it is hard to watch your kids struggle with anything and at times it is so overwhelming to watch. I still am at amazed at my parents to know that they must have been devastated at times with choices I made.
As, I entered my birthday it was a bit chaotic with the fact we lost a very special person in our lives. I can't claim that she is mine but I would like to think that she sorta is. Aunties always have a special place in all our lives! So, make sure you let those specail ladies know that you love them.
I also thought that this year might not be so hard to not have my own mama call me at midnight to wish me Happy Birthday and to be the very first one too. I miss those moments of pure craziness from my mom. You see she was quite the proper lady the complete opposite of me in every way. I really wish that she could be here so I could share those moments of pure chaos in my own life. I know that wherever she is now it is better than when she was here in pain. I really do miss her that sometimes my heartaches for days at a time and I just feel like shutting everyone out. Those are the days that I feel a bit bitter for not having her around. I honestly just found a rhythm with her in my life and to now have that disrupted sucks. I know that I just keep going and soon I will find a new beat but come one..
Mom, I miss you and so wish you were here just so I could really tell you all that I can't tell anyone else. Cause simply no one else can listen as well or still love me as much after wards. Please lord make the ache go away..

ARgh!

I can't believe that I can't seem to function past zipping up my pants today! Yes, I worked out and got my kiddos to school but still...I have so much inside that I feel I will explode into a zillion pieces right now. I can feel the stress over take my body and I can't seem to slow it down. I literally have at least 10 things to do and no motivation today to do it.
I just need a quiet moment that I can just let my tears spill over and to feel the wet, salty tears stream down my cheeks. Then after that I can clear my mind and do the things that need to be done. I really feel blessed to live the life that I do live. Even though moments in my life seem to be spiraling out of control.
This past weekend I went home to celebrate that my mom was a donor. And because of her someone else can see! I know that should be enough to make me so happy that someone can benefit from her. But, I can't see past my own pain that she is no longer here.
I remember when I was younger that when I would get overwhelmed that she would ask me what was wrong and I would say nothing' mom or I really don't want to talk about it. At that moment she would go sit down on the big white couch with flowers all over it and tell me firmly that I needed to come sit with her. I would do my best to get out of it but my mom had her ways!
She would then proceed to either pull me on her lap or as I got older to scoot me close to her until I was so close I couldn't squirm away. She then would say it's okay, just let it out and then I would proceed to bawl or vent every frustration that I would have bottled up in me. I have no idea why that worked so well for me but it did. I think that the fact that she made it feel that she could make it all better and if not all better that she could at least take the brunt of my pain or anger. I really miss that!

Even though she is gone and I haven't found that person to replace that void. I know that I am loved and that she is around me. She taught me a very valuable thing in life..that it is okay not to be able to move forward sometimes. It's okay to be stuck for a moment as long as you are able to pick yourself up shortly.
Mom I miss you terribly today and I know I will tomorrow and so forth.But I promise to keep moving forward and to JUST BREATHE!

Changes

Everyday we wake up to something that has changed. It could be a simple thing like the weather or even the time you wake up or the way you sit when you tie your shoes. Change happens even when we wish it would not. I have to say that most people despise change! I on the other hand don't mind it, without it we would stay the same forever. However if we always are changing then well we might never know who we are.

So, when you wake up take notice if and what you want to change in your life and and what you would like to keep the same. The things that you want to change should be those things that will bring some positive vibes into our lives. Think Big or small....but change something!

What a werid Week

As I look back at this week I have learned how little time that we really have here on this thing called Earth. I have taken a new stance on life and I feel empowered to share it with all. Love who you are no matter what! When we feel at our lowest point someone is there to gently nudge us to get back where we should be. Sometimes that person will be ourselves, a loved one, a friend, a pet and even those things called strangers. Pick yourself and be proud of who you are. For I am proud to call you my friend or family.
I often look back at my early years(since I am now officially old) and think if I could only be that confident and strong life wouldn't hurt so bloody much at times. When we are young we are invincible at least we think we are. So grasp onto that and think that now I can conquer anything. If we sit for very long that is when we doubt ourselves.
We as human beings have so much power to do whatever we want or whatever we need to do. If we can send a man to the moon then we can pick ourselves up and we can keep moving forward.
You can do it! It's much simpler than we think. Don't forget to tell yourself that you glad to be you. That is all for now. A special thanks to those that help me when I am low..now please let me repay your kindness by doing the same. Keep on keeping on!

One year ago.........

I am not sure what else to do besides bawl. Who knew that one lousy day could change your world so immensely. I remember waking up and thinking argh, 5am seriously? So, I get my little one up and ready to go and keep having a gut wrenching feeling that this might just be a long day! Who ever knew it would turn out the way it did. When I pulled up to the hospital and mom wasn't there yet. I thought to myself of course mom is late:) She rarely was on time anymore  and I also remember thinking to myself are you kidding me mom this is a huge thing we are doing. I also remember thinking what if she doesn't make it. What will I do? But as quickly as that thought came it went away..My mom would make it and we would figure out why she was in so much pain.  I guess I could write down each painful moment after that, but I am not ready for that moment not just yet.

What I will say is that I now look back and I am grateful that i was early and that I had those few extra moments with her. I never got to say good-bye but I am not sure if that would do me any good if I did. They are just words I am told that might not really bring that peaceful feeling that I have struggled to find in the past 12 months. What I have learned is that I can hate with a passion! I can't say that I am proud of this new talent that I have. I can say that the first month was one of the hardest things I have personally or emotionally gone through ever. Who knew that people aren't always what they seem and that those that have good intentions are really just the wolf in sheep's clothing. People are ruthless and selfish and cruel. I also learned that I have the best family in the world. Nobody has the brothers that I do who never let me go to far out of their loving reach. Never have I felt so much love and anger to those around me and never have I felt so loved by those that truly know who I am. I also gained one of the best friends that you can ever have and she was truly the back bone of the whole mess of things that were going on. And that would be my sister in law. I am grateful for her willingness to always to be the one who helped us up when we fell down. I love you! My husband gets the I love you and I am so grateful to you for helping guide me back to where I needed to be. My children are my sanity and yes even in those crazy moments of life I never forget to let them know how much they mean to me.My in laws on my hubby side all i can say is that they are just like my very own family. They have been truly a great strength in my life.
At one point in the whole process of the first month I felt my self slipping off to the land of hatred that ate at every inch of my being. I could hear my hubby whispering to me that I was changing and that I need to be true
to myself. I needed to have that moment in my life where I all could see was down a huge cliff and wonder to myself what if? One night was the turning point for me..it was the night that my best friends that I have had almost my whole life took me out and saved me from this huge deep pit of hatred and my own personal hell. We all went out and they did what friends that are true do. They remind you of why they love and need you.
And  yes they know how to have a good time. It was also the night that I finally listened to the whisperings of my loving husband gently calling me back to who. I know that people around loved my mother. Not for a moment do I doubt, that not ever. What I did doubt is who I was. I finally figured out that  people not only loved my mother but they loved me for being  ME!
So, thank you to those that loved me and believed that I could be better and helping me. I truly can't express that gratitude that I have for having a great family and a great set of friends. To a new year with all of you!

Turning my leaf..

So, I have become a blogger, I think. I am pretty sure that I have no idea what I am doing nor what the outcome of this will be. So, bear with me while I stumble on this new path. I have recently noticed that I need  to change. I know that is what everyone says at the beginning of the new year. Resolutions are made then they usually are broken half way through February. And by the way I am not a pessimist it is just a proven fact. 

So, this is why I chose not  to make any new goals except one: to turn my leaf over.

Everyone has one so why not just flip it over right? It can't be that bloody hard it's a freaking leaf! Well, I have discovered that it is harder than expected. 

I stumbled upon this new self discovery when I was having a mental breakdown and my  hubby stayed up until the wee hours of the night talking with me. Yes, I do have breakdowns more often than not. Who knew the girl that grew up never shedding a tear or having anyone and I mean anyone really know what was going on in my own personal hell has breakdowns at least weekly. My husband told me that he didn't want to hug me anymore. Due to the fact that I bawl 99.9% of the time when he hugs me. Even though I have to say it's not 99.9% of the time, right? I still get my hugs. 

Anyways, back to the topic on hand. I have decided that instead of being this alien in my own body. I might just turn the leaf and see what there is. I would like to think that when it's completely turned I will discover the girl that I once knew and admired. During the process I know that I will not like the things I discover about myself nor do I think it will be an easy process. I it might be the hardest thing I do emotionally right now. I am going to admit something to you right now, are you ready? I am full of Hate and Anger. If you knew me you would know that this  is NOT who I am. SO, now you know why I need to turn my leaf for if I don't I am afraid that I will wither and die and never truly be me again.