I can't believe that I can't seem to function past zipping up my pants today! Yes, I worked out and got my kiddos to school but still...I have so much inside that I feel I will explode into a zillion pieces right now. I can feel the stress over take my body and I can't seem to slow it down. I literally have at least 10 things to do and no motivation today to do it.
I just need a quiet moment that I can just let my tears spill over and to feel the wet, salty tears stream down my cheeks. Then after that I can clear my mind and do the things that need to be done. I really feel blessed to live the life that I do live. Even though moments in my life seem to be spiraling out of control.
This past weekend I went home to celebrate that my mom was a donor. And because of her someone else can see! I know that should be enough to make me so happy that someone can benefit from her. But, I can't see past my own pain that she is no longer here.
I remember when I was younger that when I would get overwhelmed that she would ask me what was wrong and I would say nothing' mom or I really don't want to talk about it. At that moment she would go sit down on the big white couch with flowers all over it and tell me firmly that I needed to come sit with her. I would do my best to get out of it but my mom had her ways!
She would then proceed to either pull me on her lap or as I got older to scoot me close to her until I was so close I couldn't squirm away. She then would say it's okay, just let it out and then I would proceed to bawl or vent every frustration that I would have bottled up in me. I have no idea why that worked so well for me but it did. I think that the fact that she made it feel that she could make it all better and if not all better that she could at least take the brunt of my pain or anger. I really miss that!
Even though she is gone and I haven't found that person to replace that void. I know that I am loved and that she is around me. She taught me a very valuable thing in life..that it is okay not to be able to move forward sometimes. It's okay to be stuck for a moment as long as you are able to pick yourself up shortly.
Mom I miss you terribly today and I know I will tomorrow and so forth.But I promise to keep moving forward and to JUST BREATHE!
Didn't know you were blogging. LOVE it!! Keep writing!! It's as therapeutic for the rest of us as it is for you!!!!
ReplyDeleteMy cousin on my dad's side just received a kidney and a pancreas! Talk about a miracle!!! Diabetic since age three; dialysis for 2.5 years; three little kids to raise and worn to a frazzle. Someone's last gift will give those three children an active participating father!!! My close friend at work received a heart 2.5 years ago! He is using that gift well!! I have often thought the last few years that my blood dad would have been the perfect organ donor if they'd been doing much of it back then. But, sadly, at age 30, in perfect health, no smoking, no drinking, not over-weight, no viruses, a head injury that kept him 'alive,' but in a coma ... and we not only lost our father and an incredible human being, but a dozen people lost out on a second chance at life!!! I have a whole new view of organ donation!!! I changed my status on my driver's license {:D)
Like Dr. Laura always says: "I don't cure normal." What you're feeling IS normal!! That's what your mom knew sitting on the white couch with flowers! That's what you have to know when you write here on this blog when she's not here physically. It's normal!!!
You go girl!!!!
Hugs from the T's
Craigor
Your California Cousin
:)
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