I was lost, I was cold, I was numb and I was transplanted to another time and place in my heart and mind. When the adrenaline starts to trickle down to it's final drop then reality kicks in. So, many people, music, laughter, voices, dancing, lights, silliness and most of all love. The room I was in was filled with so much love that it overwhelmed me i know that now.. I sit down and giggle and lay upside down with a new friend..All of sudden it's hot, really hot, I am dizzy, I am nauseated the need to throw-up is strong and most of all I am scared. I remember walking into the bathroom and looking in the mirror and wishing that I was home asleep with the snoring of my family. I can't recall a time that I needed just to be home so much. I look again and I am pale, sweating and shoot I realize I can't breathe. I know the drill get a benadryl and something hot to kill whatever I just ate that I am allergic to. My throat was getting tighter the coughing was just beginning and then somehow I had managed to get outside without much commotion..I have a few new people around me that I just met or remet and they are telling me to breathe. I just want to scream I am but why is it not working, why is everything so heightened why are they staring at me like I am ghost? I just want to go home..That's when it hits I need to get home I need to be safe and I need to feel in control. What the crap is going on now? I swear that I was really good about not eating anything I was allergic to, for heaven's sakes I packed my own little lunch box of food for the day. I am now realizing the more I try to breathe the less it is working..I start to bawl at some point I no longer can hold my sh*t together..I just want to go home. I hear where is your Epi-pen and I do my best to laugh and say who the hell knows. I am fine just take me home...I can't, I can't and I can't breathe..I am 6 or am I 8 or am I 10 or is it 12 right now. My thoughts they are jumbled I just want to go home. I know if I go home I will be okay.. Crapballs, I cannot feel my hands, they are yelling or maybe they are just talking to me but they are threatening me that is all I know. I just want once again to be home..Cory will know what to do he is my saving grace and he grounds me and he will fix this..It starts to get worse everything is going numb, at this point I am humiliated. I have never lost myself or reality so fast. Yes, I believe in magic it makes the world a better place to have an imagination but this, this is pure hell. Oh, my hell what is wrong with me?? Am I dying this can't be the end an allergic reaction to something..Dangit stop driving like a dumbass Smash..Seriously, if you don't take me home I will never forgive you..did I say that outloud. I am being told to breathe and that I am almost home and it's going to be okay. I start bawling even harder I can't feel anything my arms, hands , legs and feet. I see them am I having a stroke, is this a nightmare???? See, I told you I was fine just let me go inside and lay down..I am extremely tired..NO, I do not know where my epi-pen is nor do I care. I am home just let me stay home..I promise that I will stop crying and I will try harder to breathe..No, please just stop I just want to go to sleep. Why won't anyone listen..Why are we here?? What are they going to do?? Please, for the love of God do not let them put that on my face. I can't have things on my face..Cory, please make them stop I promise I will stop and I will pull myself together. It's getting really hard to concentrate my heart is racing what is happening?? Please, stop poking me, I hear ripping of tape...I try not to think back I try not to go there but it's all so jumbled. Please, just leave me and my body alone. I swear I won't tell anyone just leave me alone!!! Wait, I hear Cory telling me I am okay and to breathe and I plead with him to take me home..I can't breathe no matter how hard I try I cannot breathe..People are trying to put things on me..Do they not understand or do I not understand? Why is she mad at me I didn't do anything and I swear I did my best I never told when I was 6 or 7..Why is he here I thought this was over?? Wait, why is this other man yelling at me and what have I done? Why the hell can I not breathe?? They stuck me with things they must think I am crazy!! I badly want to go home tell me what I need to do so you will let me go home..Cory, where is he? Why is this man looking at me funny..Oh, my hell let me go home. I kept willing myself to breathe to work really hard at figuring out where I was..No I don't need to be here. I had an allergic reaction,right? I hear Cory I see him silently pleading with me and I know that I have scared him..I am sorry Cory really I am..just take me home...They come back new place new people..more poking, tests and such. But this time I hear him and he tells them a little about my past and my advocacy work and that this is making it worse can you be gentler. He still loves me yes, even at my worst he loves me.See he knows the broken parts of me and instead of changing me he guides me and lets me be me.. I start to feel better it could be the drugs the gave me or it is the calming of my soul happening.Finally, I get to go home and be with those that I love most..
I am weak, I am afraid, I am small, I am worthless, I am little,and worst of all I am powerless..These are the thoughts that rushed through my head on what I call the day I broke. Even seven months later this hits hard and it makes me tear up with guilt and shame. I can not believe that I could break and when I say break not physically(like a bone) but literally just breakdown. The last few years have been so hard for me to navigate through I will openly admit to that. But still I am tough as nails and who knew that this Browngirl could break..I sure as heck was not planning on it nor were the ones who surrounded me that night. Thank you for loving me and thank you for taking care of me...
Having a PTSD panic/anxiety attack scared me and I will never forget the feeling of hopelessness and fright. When I started my path to heal I knew that I would have moments and that it would not always be an easy one as well. What I was not ready for was the memories, the triggers and my brokenness to come to a halting screech and explode. I let others who were there think it was an allergic reaction because one it's a personal thing and two I am ashamed. People look at me for strength not weakness..I am now taking things a little slower, sticking closer to home and taking less on my plate. I write this not to gain sympathy from anyone ever but to bring light to others around me. We are never alone even when we think we are. Things get messy, scary, screwed up and we sometimes fool ourselves into thinking I can handle it all. When in actually reality we are not meant to handle it all nor are we meant to be invincible. I know that I am healing because, I am still here kicking butt daily. I don't fester on my past but I have come to a point that if my past will help one other person in this world..then it was worth me going through it..so, that I can shine hope on one other soul. We can create beauty even we ourselves find ourselves hideous and undeserving. I am living proof of that. I still can't believe this is my life the one I created and co-created with my husband..No matter what I do or go through I owe everything to the Big Guy upstairs for giving me faith, hope, and love. I am blessed beyond more than my heart deserves..
