Prayers Answered

Four years ago I remember eating dinner with my family at my moms dinner table. There barely was any room for you to even move your elbows that is how tight her space was in that house. My mom loved her fancy table and her fancy stuff and we as her children humored and went along with it. Don't worry there were plenty of eye rolls, sarcastic comments and lots of love as well. We had recently gathered as a family the week before to have dinner minus a few of us to have a family dinner with mom before her surgery. As luck went the surgery had been cancelled and was moved to the following week. Little did we know what would unfold over the next few days.
Anyways, my mom always talked about death very openly and to the point that you wanted to scream"SHUT UP!" at her. No, I never did out loud at least. We as siblings(I have two big brothers)were very concerned for her and she was very unconcerned about it. She told us that night where all the important paperwork was at, that she loved us and not to worry she would be fine.
Let me just say I know that she was sick, I know that there was cancer in her internal organs that would be inoperable, I did not know how tired, sick of hurting she was, how lonely or how scared she was about leaving us. Yes, I believe she was scared of what this event would do to her children. Now, let me back up for a moment to the prior week..I drove out with my youngest who at the time was about 14 or 15 months old. When we found out that her surgery was cancelled and moved to the next week we were angry. So, after a conversation with my husband I came home. I still remember the sadness in my mothers voice as I told her I needed to go home for a few days and that I would be back on Sunday. I knew it in my gut that she would not make it but, I refused to let my heart or mind accept that. So, I packed up my car and drove back home with my baby and big brother. Can I tell you how many times I wish I would have stayed just so I could have had that time with my mom. I recall the sorrow in her voice and the agony of regret in my heart still yes, even four years later. If I only would have stayed put...

Back to the story at hand..you see my mom had many years of pain, scares, surgeries, and such. So, yes I was naive to think that she would pull through this one. I do remember how glowing and peaceful she looked at our last dinner together. She was able to calm my fears and anxiety of the situation at hand. I kept getting upset with her telling her that it was not funny and that I wish she would be a little more serious about it. We all had time to talk with her and we all said that we loved her and we all put on that fake smile and said,"yes, mom all will be well in the morning."
In the deepest darkest part of my heart I knew she was miserable and I knew she was totally content if she passed. This my dear friends pissed me off and I pushed it aside. I knew more than anything that she was tired of being in pain, being in constant torment of things in the past, and more than anything I know she missed the love of her life Steve. So, for her dying meant to be reunited with a healthy heart, mind, soul and she would be dancing with Steve again in heaven. There was no greater peace for her than knowing that she would have these things. If she lived she would stay in a loveless marriage to a man( who no one liked),in pain and loneliness. Yes, I am selfish and yes, it took me a long time to finally have a relationship with my mom. She finally had become my best friend. The one that I would call up to 15 times a day. She was my constant cheerleader, my guiding hand and the most forgiving of my faults. She would call me out on things and would then proceed to put me in my place. I never grew to big to cuddle in her arms or to tell her my worst fears even if it was over the phone. You see, we finally accepted each other and we finally got it. So, yes I was selfish when I prayed that night.
I do not forget the hours I spent on my knees that night asking for the one thing I knew only God could give her and that was peace. No, I was not asking him to take her off this earth but I do know,that I pleaded and begged that she would find peace, that she would no longer be in pain and that she would be happy and completely happy in her heart again. Yes, I prayed and prayed for her to have peace. The whole time I kept pushing back that, Oh crap feeling that you get when something bad is going to happen to you. I know you know what I mean. I was naive to think that this life would actually give her the peace she needed. That she would fight to stay with us. Yes, I wrote that last sentence..I think she gave up on us. Yes, we might all be in our thirties at the time but dangit we still needed our mom. Even to this day I need her and I no longer have the luxury of calling her or visiting. Yes, there is another hole in my heart and yes, I miss her to this day. As you all know we no longer have her with us anymore. It has been four years of grieving, loving, challenges, laughter, tears, anger and finally acceptance.
People tend to think that it gets easier with time. I don't know if it is true or if it is something that you adapt to. I can say that right now I have tears streaming down my face. I keep saying that I don't miss her as much. Truth be told I so wish she was here and I miss her with all my heart that it hurts just like it was yesterday.
Death changes something in us it can make us bitter, angry, miserable,unlovable at moments and doubtful of good. I went through it all and I can say it has brought something else out in me that I took for granted in my life. That is life in itself..Where I once would be yearning to do other things, or to be accepted by my peers, or to just be free of all my worries. I now treasure the small moments more, I tend to hold my kids hostage and make them spend more time with me, I do my best to be more kind, loving, forgiving and to be more grateful for what I have in life. No, I am not always great at these things nor am I happy go lucky all the time either. What I do know is that life is short and at a moments notice everything can change in a blink of an eye. I will not re-hash the details of the day she died for it will forever be etched in my heart, mind and soul. What I will say is that I am grateful for a mother that rode my ASS there is no other way to say that. She demanded our best,loyalty,forgiveness,hard-work,kindness,laughter, honesty and most of all our love. I know that growing up with her as my mother was hard and sometimes bleak. But, I would not change a thing because I know that I would not be the person or mother I am if I would not have had her as my mom.
So, thank you mom for never letting me be mediocre in life and for loving me at the most unlovable times in my life. I know that I am far from perfect and so was she but at least I got to be her little girl for quite a few years. So, yes prayers are answered but we might not always like or listen to what the big guy says to our hearts...
Love and miss you mom and no words will or can describe the heart with the loss of you here with me......May you be cutting a rug with your sweetheart :)

Rainbows and Unicorns my friends

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Rainbows and Unicorns...

Picking up the pieces of a broken heart

Recently, we have had some good and bad things happen to us that have made me think twice about many things. Often when things happen, good or bad people tend to say,"Everything happens for a reason, right?". This in some way should make us feel happy and give us that extra boost to get us past our troubles. I know I have said this before and there are things that happen and when you say this it applies. But, my question is what about those moments that literally sucker punch you and make you so sick to your stomach that you want to hurl, crawl into bed and not face the world for the next few days. What about those moments? In my mind I can replay so many things that have happened to me and yes, I can say this is the reason for that or I totally understand why this happened. I also know that there are things that have happened in my life that make me scratch my head, shake it back and forth, then I sigh and then I try to understand why in the world it happened.
I am not trying to sound angry or bitter in anyway about this. I am just a little lost on why bad things have to happen to good people. Take religion and God out and we don't have an answer to these questions. No one can answer why that child was abused, the 16 yr old girl who was raped, the parent that has lost their baby or child, a loss of a loved one who didn't get to live a full life in our eyes, why the woman stays with a man that beats her, the children that live on the streets, the people who are beat or ridiculed for their skin color or lifestyle. The list goes on and on. Leave religion and God in the picture and you might feel a better understanding but,it does not answer the famous question of WHY.
Things come in threes is the old saying especially bad things. I have to say that I have had a heart wrenching experience of loss and grief in the past month. See, we wanted to add to our little family and we had an early miscarriage. I never expected to feel like my heart was wrenched out of my body and soul. Never in a million years will I ever want to go through that again. Yes, I know it was an early loss, I know that other woman will go through many more and are able to handle that, yes, I even know that to some that this might not ever affect you and your lucky. I love my children more than I ever thought possible. The thought of adding an addition just made me excited. You can ask my husband and our friend how excited I was to know I was having another child. Even knowing I would be a high-risk pregnancy and puking my guts out forty times a day, was exciting because I would be getting the best gift in the end, another baby. Once again,it happened for a reason, right?? I can't not explain the ache that lies within my heart and soul. No, I will not grieve this event forever and no, I will not let this hinder my ability to mother my children that I have or to enjoy every moment with them(good or bad) But it does make me feel like a failure. That at this one precious gift that we as women have, I have failed. It does not matter the science or the statistic of 1 out of 10 women miscarry. I felt that I failed my husband and that is a horrible feeling. It still makes me feel like I failed that little being as well. Yes, time heals and no, I will not be adding to my wonderful family. It has made me realize even more that I live a blessed life.

It also, has made me realize the heartache of those women who suffer in silence or alone. I would have not gotten through this without my loving husband, who did not mind me bawling my eyes out for hours over this loss. I cannot say how lucky I am to have him at my side. I need to thank my father, my wonderful in-laws and my friends that constantly amaze me with their love and support.
So, yes it happened for a reason and that reason I will never know. Maybe it was not healthy, maybe my body could not handle it or maybe just maybe it was not meant to be. May we all be a little kinder or even take a moment before we speak the simple phrase of, "All things happen for a reason". No, reason can help heal the heart of a loss....It might help you eventually, just not at that precise moment.
I AM BLESSED, I AM NOT A FAILURE AND I AM LOVED BY MANY!! YES,IT IS TRUE AND SO ARE YOU! Do not let something or someone ever hold you back from the greatness that you possess my friends. Yes, you may repeat this all the time in your heart and mind.

With much love and gratitude in my heart for each and everyone of you..May the good man or whatever thing you believe in keep you safe and sound.

Peace, Love, Rainbows and Unicorns my friends!!