Recently, we have had some good and bad things happen to us that have made me think twice about many things. Often when things happen, good or bad people tend to say,"Everything happens for a reason, right?". This in some way should make us feel happy and give us that extra boost to get us past our troubles. I know I have said this before and there are things that happen and when you say this it applies. But, my question is what about those moments that literally sucker punch you and make you so sick to your stomach that you want to hurl, crawl into bed and not face the world for the next few days. What about those moments? In my mind I can replay so many things that have happened to me and yes, I can say this is the reason for that or I totally understand why this happened. I also know that there are things that have happened in my life that make me scratch my head, shake it back and forth, then I sigh and then I try to understand why in the world it happened.
I am not trying to sound angry or bitter in anyway about this. I am just a little lost on why bad things have to happen to good people. Take religion and God out and we don't have an answer to these questions. No one can answer why that child was abused, the 16 yr old girl who was raped, the parent that has lost their baby or child, a loss of a loved one who didn't get to live a full life in our eyes, why the woman stays with a man that beats her, the children that live on the streets, the people who are beat or ridiculed for their skin color or lifestyle. The list goes on and on. Leave religion and God in the picture and you might feel a better understanding but,it does not answer the famous question of WHY.
Things come in threes is the old saying especially bad things. I have to say that I have had a heart wrenching experience of loss and grief in the past month. See, we wanted to add to our little family and we had an early miscarriage. I never expected to feel like my heart was wrenched out of my body and soul. Never in a million years will I ever want to go through that again. Yes, I know it was an early loss, I know that other woman will go through many more and are able to handle that, yes, I even know that to some that this might not ever affect you and your lucky. I love my children more than I ever thought possible. The thought of adding an addition just made me excited. You can ask my husband and our friend how excited I was to know I was having another child. Even knowing I would be a high-risk pregnancy and puking my guts out forty times a day, was exciting because I would be getting the best gift in the end, another baby. Once again,it happened for a reason, right?? I can't not explain the ache that lies within my heart and soul. No, I will not grieve this event forever and no, I will not let this hinder my ability to mother my children that I have or to enjoy every moment with them(good or bad) But it does make me feel like a failure. That at this one precious gift that we as women have, I have failed. It does not matter the science or the statistic of 1 out of 10 women miscarry. I felt that I failed my husband and that is a horrible feeling. It still makes me feel like I failed that little being as well. Yes, time heals and no, I will not be adding to my wonderful family. It has made me realize even more that I live a blessed life.
It also, has made me realize the heartache of those women who suffer in silence or alone. I would have not gotten through this without my loving husband, who did not mind me bawling my eyes out for hours over this loss. I cannot say how lucky I am to have him at my side. I need to thank my father, my wonderful in-laws and my friends that constantly amaze me with their love and support.
So, yes it happened for a reason and that reason I will never know. Maybe it was not healthy, maybe my body could not handle it or maybe just maybe it was not meant to be. May we all be a little kinder or even take a moment before we speak the simple phrase of, "All things happen for a reason". No, reason can help heal the heart of a loss....It might help you eventually, just not at that precise moment.
I AM BLESSED, I AM NOT A FAILURE AND I AM LOVED BY MANY!! YES,IT IS TRUE AND SO ARE YOU! Do not let something or someone ever hold you back from the greatness that you possess my friends. Yes, you may repeat this all the time in your heart and mind.
With much love and gratitude in my heart for each and everyone of you..May the good man or whatever thing you believe in keep you safe and sound.
Peace, Love, Rainbows and Unicorns my friends!!
Oh, my dear sweet friend. I am so sorry for your loss. I know you are hurting. Nothing I can say will make that go away. But I can tell you that I love you so much. And I know your hubby and 3 beautiful children love and adore you. Your Father in Heaven loves you. And you have a mountain of other friends who love and support you. You are wonderful and wonderfully successful in your life. I am always thrilled to see the next amazing thing you're up to. Take time to mourn. Take time to cry. And then take time to laugh and smile and play. And remember that this nerd in Utah is loving you very very very much. Love, Kathryn
ReplyDeleteI love you Kathryn and I am blessed to call you my friend!!
DeleteI hope you don't mind me commenting, I stumbled onto your blog through a friend. I have unfortunately felt your pain. I have had five early miscarriages and have dealt with everything from having someone ask me when I will get over it to trying to compare my loss to someone who has suffered more miscarriages than myself. The hard thing is that as a woman, you are the one that feels that loss more than anyone else, if anyone else even truly feels that loss. You do need time to heal, both physically and emotionally. Allow yourself that time to heal and to grieve. Yes, looking back on some of my miscarriages I can see a "why" to some extent... but that doesn't make that loss any easier, it is still a loss. You are not a failure and neither is your body. That is easy to say, but you can't blame yourself. So, take your time and allow yourself that grieving process. Hug your babies tight and know that you are loved.
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