My secret unfolding...

So, now that my secret is out in the world. There are a few things that I need to say.... THANK YOU,THANK YOU and THANK YOU for the outpour of love and support. I was very nervous about opening up my secret door to my family, friends and to the unknown. Trust me there is so many things about everyone you meet that you don't know. We all have a past full of colorful stories, sins, pain, tears, love, laughter, jokes, heartache,and so much more.
I have been struggling on what to write and how to move forward with this now being out in the world. I have had so many people reach out to me to lend support, encouragement,love,their stories, and advice. I have felt every kind word and every ounce of goodness sent my way. The past sixteen years have been quite the learning curve for myself. I never thought I would be the one who struggled for what seems like a lifetime with this dirty little secret.
I remember when I was a senior in high school and running everyday rain, sun, sleet, hail and snow. My mom knitted me a nose warmer for those frosty nights and that gave me the ability to keep going in the freezing weather. I might have looked silly, but I could not or would not miss my run or stadiums. I was noticing about mid-way through the fall semester that I was lagging in all my daily activities my runs got harder, I slept in most my classes, and missed school. I was soon diagnosed with Mono and was told bed rest due to my spleen on the verge of exploding. So, knowing this I still refused to stop, dammit I needed to have this one ounce of control in my life. I soon was found lying in bed wishing I was running or even better off at moments dead. The one thing in life that I was supposed to control I could no longer control and that my was my body. I was never on the verge of taking my life, I was just in my own personal hell. I am by nature a person who does not know the meaning of taking it slow. I love to be active at all times and I figure I will rest when I am dead. My family is all the same way..Anyways, once I was cleared to be active again I went full force and found that inner calm in my soul.
I can't say that my life was wrenched, I just think that I was taught at a young age that my body was imperfect. Maybe to some they could see the beauty but I could not. After high school I continued my behaviors, but at times would give myself a break. I was given the opportunity to move away and be a nanny for a year in northern California. I was smitten with the family and area that I never wanted to leave again. This is where and when I learned some very hard lessons in my life. I never had been this far away from family and I was alone and I felt it. I soon started to have a social life, date, friends, visits from family and friends, etc. With new people in my life I soon was hearing how I could change to be better, that I was fat, if I only would dress like this and blah, blah, blah. Now, I want to state I take full responsibility for my own actions!
So, I soon figured that after I ate that if I purged I felt better and I wouldn't gain weight. Now, at this time in my life(most of my life) I weighed around 110-115 lbs. Even then I thought I was enormous and could tell you where I needed to lose weight. I soon lost control of my demon after a few life altering experiences that taught me no matter how hard I tried life was spinning out of control. I only purged one or two times a day at first and what I was eating barely was anything. I was dying to be a 100 lbs so then I would be skinny, right? After awhile it soon became a stress reliever for me and for the next sixteen years it would be my dirty little secret. I can't explain the feeling of relief that overcomes me when I purge. I learned quickly that it would bring me a sense of control. Can you sense the lack of control that I felt in my life. I craved it all the time. Even if I just ate one or two pieces of fruit or a piece of pizza I would not keep it down.
I abruptly left California to find some kind of peace or safety in my life. I came home and my life was a whirlwind and I continued to spin out of control. There are few things in my life that changed me, but the experiences that I had in California forever has changed me. Good or bad it affected my most inner being and soul. I was changed and I was so very lost. I found solace in purging and I found joy in destroying my body by killing it slowly with exercise and purging. I got to the point that I was very sick and very lost in my life. I finally shared with my mom what was going on. All of a sudden I felt worse not better and I just wanted to be left alone. I picked myself up and left home again on a search for peace. I told my mom that I was better and I didn't need to see anyone and that I would be fine in a few months. I pretended that I was better, healthy, happy, and all that crap just to be left alone to continue my behavior. I swept it under the rug and did what I did best pretend... that I was invincible and happy.
Please, understand that this is not a moment in my life that I treasure nor do I look back at fondly. At times I am amazed that I am still breathing and that I am where I am in my life. I don't write this for anyone's pity I write this to help heal myself. I write this because I know that I am not alone in this battle. I write this because I am worth more than facing my fear and sorrows with my head in a toilet. I write this to hopefully encourage someone else to get help. I have daughters, I have nieces and I have sisters, and friends that all empower me by loving me for me. I am not perfect I am flawed beyond repair..yes, I am even broken. I am often told that I am not broken that I am perfect just the way I am. If I don't write this or share this I have failed on my part.
I am learning we go through things in life to strength every ounce of our being. I am now being held accountable and am facing the repercussions of my actions. I can not stay silent for my heart and mind need to find peace. I am doing something far beyond my comfort zone. I am showing my vulnerability to those I know and those I don't know. Please, I beg of you don't pity me I can not live with pity! I can live with shame, which I have and I can live with the fact my story just might help another. I am me and I am strong...
Please, share if you need to with someone if you are struggling, even if it is admitting that you might have a problem. Find help because this is something that we can not fix on our own. And remember that this does not make you weak this makes you brave for facing the truth even if it is ugly.
I write this story so I will never forget how lucky I am in my life to be here still and to remind myself that I am worth it. I write this to remind myself to keep my head up and that I am loved....

Learning to love oneself is a constant lesson in life that we all need to continue to learn it...