Secrets of a brown girl...

Okay, I have a secret that most people do not know of and some people do. I can't say that I am proud of my actions nor can I say that I regret them either. Wait,I should explain that last part...Being a Bulimic has consumed at least 16 years of my life. I do regret the crappy effects that it has had on my body. I do not regret that I have found my voice and feel that there has to be others like me out in this world. If I can help one person besides myself I will have made my secret worthwhile.

"In the United States, 20 million women and 10 million men suffer from a clinically significant eating disorder at some time in their life, including anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, binge eating disorder, or an eating disorder not otherwise specified (EDNOS) (Wade, Keski-Rahkonen, & Hudson, 2011). For various reasons, many cases are likely not to be reported. In addition, many individuals struggle with body dissatisfaction and sub-clinical disordered eating attitudes and behaviors, and the best-known contributor to the development of anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa is body dissatisfaction (Stice, 2002). By age 6, girls especially start to express concerns about their own weight or shape. 40-60% of elementary school girls (ages 6-12) are concerned about their weight or about becoming too fat. This concern endures through life" (Smolak, 2011).

By the age of 8 years old my mom had me doing crunches every night because I was chubby. In actual reality I wasn't chubby I was average and looking at my own children know that I was just built different than the girls I was growing up with. By the age of 12 I hated my body not only did I think I was fat, I also hated my Afro hair and golden skin. I did not look like the girls I was being brought up with and honestly, it sucked. My body image issues are just that mine and mine alone. I can look back with a little more love and kindness in my heart towards my old self. I have never been this honest even with myself. I hated my body growing up and just wished that I could look like everyone else. I always dressed in baggy clothes because not only had I convinced myself I was fat, but I had a mom, (that didn't mean to) but passed on her own body images to me. She herself was big and I think that she didn't want me to be her. Funny thing is, is that we are not blood related. I was adopted at the age of 3 and yes, Hispanics are known for being curvy.(Who knew)

I always watched what I ate due to the fact I was deathly afraid of getting fat and I continued to think I was ugly as well. At the age of 14 I was running 8 miles daily and kept that habit up for years. I then would go and run stadiums for 30-40 minutes and then I would go home and do an ab workout. I had no idea why I did this and no matter what was going on my life I rarely missed a day. Yes, it was control of something, right? If I could control what went into my body and what my body could do I would be invincible to the world around me. I was often looked at as the girl who could handle anything that was thrown my way. Yes, I could and then I would practically kill myself by pounding the crap out of my body.

Around the age of Twenty-one I had a life changing experience where I learned that I could not control a Damn thing in my life. So, I turned my exercising into my demon and food into my worst enemy. I was learning to cope and to regain a little control in my so called life. After a year and getting very sick, I came clean to my mom and she thought after awhile I was better. Being a bulimic you learn what to say and do to have people get off your back. Really, all I did was hide it a whole hell of a lot better. It then became this big secret that I hid for a long time in my life. I tried counseling and basically, put a band-aide on it for a few months at a time. No matter who was in my life it became my obsession.. I didn't ever binge eat I just wanted that relief that I got every time I purged. I was in control, right??

After I got married I hid it off and on for a few years until it reared it's ugly head. I lost someone very close to me and for the millionth time it seemed that my fractured little world was falling apart again..So, I turned to the one thing that would bring me comfort and yes, joy. I was in control of something. At this point my son was around 2 or 3 and had walked in on me. I felt ashamed for the first time. I had a little girl who wasn't very old at the time and I knew that I had to do something to break the cycle. I refuse to be a hypocrite to my children. I sought out help to learn how to cope in different ways. .
Don't get me wrong I still fight that urge on a daily basis to not purge. Most people like to think that I am a healthy little hippie, in which some ways is very true. The reasoning behind it is the control of something in my life. I don't eat healthy because I enjoy it all the time. I do it because it is a way to heal my body and to know that I am responsible for my actions. A lot of people with eating disorders are very health conscience because we make it our life mission. We are great at counting calories, telling you what you should avoid and such, because we ourselves avoid it too.
I truly feel that this is starting to happen at such young ages in our society that we need to have voices and stop the craziness of body images and control. I have two daughters that I will do anything for in this world and I want to them to grow up healthy and strong. Our beauty starts at the root of our souls and we are in charge of creating a good life for ourselves.
As much as I know now about the effect of ED's, I still have body issues and I know that this is my challenge and only I can fix it. I just wanted to let people know that I am just as messed up as the next person, but I am hoping that the cycle will be broken. We need to take a step back, and realize that we only have one body and we should learn to love the hell out of it. One day, it will slowly start to break down from our past decisions and lifestyles. Love yourself and if you don't, learn how...



If you have an eating disorder or know someone that does, please seek help..