My family is Dysfunctional..

This month weighs heavy on my heart, mind and soul. April should be a the best month since, I was born in it and we all know I love a good party and cake, lots of cake. This year this month I am going to focus on bringing awareness to two things that I have seen, felt and been a part of. April is known for Child Abuse Prevention and Sexual Assault Awareness. I never really wanted to admit but these things have happened to me and they are a part of who I am.
I don't have to go into detail about the whats, whos and whys..Because it does not matter. What matters is that I never raise my hand to my children unless it's a high five. I do not ever throw them down the stairs and I do not belittle them to the point that their self-worth is gone. I don't make them feel that they are nothings and that they are a mistake. Do I lose my patience, do I yell and do I lose it at times. Yup, I do because I am human and will make mistakes. What I do not do is ever cross that line. The line that once you cross you rarely can come back from. I was terrified of having children my whole entire life. Because I did not want to be like my family in anyway from my childhood. That was the scariest thing in my life was thinking that I was them. Good thing that I am stubborn and that from the moment I found out I was going to be a mother that I knew in my heart that I was not my family. I was me and that I could break the cycle and break the silence. I see the hurt in myself and my siblings from the past actions. I know that we all have things to work on and that we all can be better.I write this because it is a part of me, a sad and scary part of me. I love my parents and I know that they must have had some kind of hell they were going through and that they must regret their actions. My mom isn't here but most know that we fought daily and it wasn't because I was a bad kid. I now know it was because she could not break me. I am not a saint and I was a sass and stubborn, I will not deny that. But I was a little girl that just wanted my mom to love, me flaws and all. Abuse comes in all forms and I know that my papa was a hardass and he was not always the best dad in the world. Who he was then and the father that I have now are night and day. The dad I grew up with is very different from the dad my brothers grew up with. My heart hurts for that. And I wish that I with all my being that I could fix it, but it is not my wound or soul to fix. I can just hope that it will happen one day. What I do know is the power of forgiveness can change your life.It can make you love those that you thoght you could never love again or want to love again be loved. I feel that I can love those that have hurt me and hope them the best and know that I get to choose if they are in my life going forward. It can take a tormented soul and make it calm.
I will fail as a mother over and over, I have come to terms with that I am human. The one thing I can promise is that my kids will never feel broken because of my inability to love them because that is not who I am. My children are my heartbeats, they are the whys, the whats and a lot of oh my hells. I hope when I screw up that they can see me, really see me and know my heart has always and will always beat for them. I don't write this to say I am the mom of the year or to lay blame on my past. I write this from a kid that knows the effects of abuse either it be physical, mental, emotional or any other form. It sucks to grow up with secrets and scars in your heart and mind. I write this to say that it is our own choice to BREAK THE CYCLE, it is our choice to be better than those that have hurt us. It is my choice to love my children and husband with all my heart and it is my responsibility to show them and to break the silence of never speaking of Child Abuse. It happens and it usually, happens right under our noses and we never will know unless, someone is willing to say enough is enough. Being a parent is one of the things that saved me from my self destructive ways. It challenges me daily and I will screw up but I pledge to never abuse my children because I am not them, I am simply me an imperfect being doing the best this brown girl can do.

Mantras are not such a bad thing

I have to write this down or my heart and mind will explode! I cannot believe the pain, the shame, the guilt, the hurt, the tears, the thoughts and most of all the anger that fills me right now. With so many things happening in life I cannot keep silent I cannot keep this anger, frustration, sadness, remorse, and self-loathing in anymore. I don't even know where to start that is how twisted my heart and mind are at the moment. Do I start with how it felt or do I start with what I feel now..Do I admit that the life I pretended to have never existed or if I whisper the words to anyone besides myself will it make the pain go away. I ask what will make the pain go away..Do I go back to facing my finger down my throat to purge the ugliness out?? What do I do and what can I do to make this hurt go away??
I am filled with sadness for anyone that has ever felt an ounce of the thoughts or pain that I know to be true in my own life. Do we get it, do we really get what happens to someone's soul, spirit and core when something so ugly, disgusting and unforgivable happens? I know for a fact I don't get it and I am one of those that have come out on top. Then I think have I really come out on top if it eats away at the center of my heart..really, what have I gained from this and where do I go? I am ashamed, humiliated, and raw from sharing parts of my truth and parts of my story. When is it my turn to say that this will never ever affect me again? When will the nightmares end, when will I feel that I am whole and most important worthy of my life that I created.
Yes, this is where I start where my heart is and where my heart and mind are focusing on. On why I broke some of my silence. It is because even though every word that I have written so far enters my mind and heart does not mean it defines me. Let me repeat that for not just myself but for you...IT DOES NOT DEFINE ME! That is my mantra that is my why!! I am broken, shattered but guess what we all are and we get to decide what we want to do with those beautiful broken pieces. We can create anything that we want with ourselves, yes, we CREATE what we want to be not the the past or others actions or your mistakes. We are in charge of what we do no one else..If I wake up and say I am going to kick ass everyday then I will. I do not hold my mistakes, my heartaches or my pain close to me everyday it festers and at moments like this it has to be released. I have to know that I am not alone and that I am loved..Every piece of me is loved. No one else sees me as broken but myself and that is at times hard to look past. I have created the life I live, I deserve the life I live and I will fight everyday until I no longer exist to keep my life. I am no better or stronger than anyone of you out there I am just me. I need to remind myself that I am worth of every breath that I take. I am an optimist and a fighter for not just myself but for those that need me to be. I am me just a girl who wants to change at least one person in the world's heart and mind. If I can do that then I will feel more at peace with my inner battle..I refuse to sink or to ever give up..I am needed, I am needed yes, I am needed even if it is just me that needs me. These are the words that I know to be true..For every step I take forward I will become at peace with just being me a mosaic made of shards and remnants of broken pieces..Yes, I will say it again I am me and I am needed.