I have to write this down or my heart and mind will explode! I cannot believe the pain, the shame, the guilt, the hurt, the tears, the thoughts and most of all the anger that fills me right now. With so many things happening in life I cannot keep silent I cannot keep this anger, frustration, sadness, remorse, and self-loathing in anymore. I don't even know where to start that is how twisted my heart and mind are at the moment. Do I start with how it felt or do I start with what I feel now..Do I admit that the life I pretended to have never existed or if I whisper the words to anyone besides myself will it make the pain go away. I ask what will make the pain go away..Do I go back to facing my finger down my throat to purge the ugliness out?? What do I do and what can I do to make this hurt go away??
I am filled with sadness for anyone that has ever felt an ounce of the thoughts or pain that I know to be true in my own life. Do we get it, do we really get what happens to someone's soul, spirit and core when something so ugly, disgusting and unforgivable happens? I know for a fact I don't get it and I am one of those that have come out on top. Then I think have I really come out on top if it eats away at the center of my heart..really, what have I gained from this and where do I go? I am ashamed, humiliated, and raw from sharing parts of my truth and parts of my story. When is it my turn to say that this will never ever affect me again? When will the nightmares end, when will I feel that I am whole and most important worthy of my life that I created.
Yes, this is where I start where my heart is and where my heart and mind are focusing on. On why I broke some of my silence. It is because even though every word that I have written so far enters my mind and heart does not mean it defines me. Let me repeat that for not just myself but for you...IT DOES NOT DEFINE ME! That is my mantra that is my why!! I am broken, shattered but guess what we all are and we get to decide what we want to do with those beautiful broken pieces. We can create anything that we want with ourselves, yes, we CREATE what we want to be not the the past or others actions or your mistakes. We are in charge of what we do no one else..If I wake up and say I am going to kick ass everyday then I will. I do not hold my mistakes, my heartaches or my pain close to me everyday it festers and at moments like this it has to be released. I have to know that I am not alone and that I am loved..Every piece of me is loved. No one else sees me as broken but myself and that is at times hard to look past. I have created the life I live, I deserve the life I live and I will fight everyday until I no longer exist to keep my life. I am no better or stronger than anyone of you out there I am just me. I need to remind myself that I am worth of every breath that I take. I am an optimist and a fighter for not just myself but for those that need me to be. I am me just a girl who wants to change at least one person in the world's heart and mind. If I can do that then I will feel more at peace with my inner battle..I refuse to sink or to ever give up..I am needed, I am needed yes, I am needed even if it is just me that needs me. These are the words that I know to be true..For every step I take forward I will become at peace with just being me a mosaic made of shards and remnants of broken pieces..Yes, I will say it again I am me and I am needed.
No comments:
Post a Comment