Well, one more down and hopefully at least 33 more to go! What a crazy time of year it is for myself and my family. Life doesn't ever slow down and if it did I am not so sure what I would do with myself. Besides take a well deserved nap! Well, this year was pretty full of surprises since my hubby threw a fabulous party that I really had no clue about.
On my actual birthday I got to watch my son clobber another team in Little league and then continue on and take an overall second place in the Pinewood Derby. My family growing up was pretty hardcore since my brothers always were in 1st and 2nd place. So, to watch my boy lose two rounds back to back where a bit heartbreaking for me. He really is such a good kid and I know at times that I am way to hash or hard on the boy. At the end of each day though I know that I must be doing something right since well in my eyes he is quite the best. As a parent it is hard to watch your kids struggle with anything and at times it is so overwhelming to watch. I still am at amazed at my parents to know that they must have been devastated at times with choices I made.
As, I entered my birthday it was a bit chaotic with the fact we lost a very special person in our lives. I can't claim that she is mine but I would like to think that she sorta is. Aunties always have a special place in all our lives! So, make sure you let those specail ladies know that you love them.
I also thought that this year might not be so hard to not have my own mama call me at midnight to wish me Happy Birthday and to be the very first one too. I miss those moments of pure craziness from my mom. You see she was quite the proper lady the complete opposite of me in every way. I really wish that she could be here so I could share those moments of pure chaos in my own life. I know that wherever she is now it is better than when she was here in pain. I really do miss her that sometimes my heartaches for days at a time and I just feel like shutting everyone out. Those are the days that I feel a bit bitter for not having her around. I honestly just found a rhythm with her in my life and to now have that disrupted sucks. I know that I just keep going and soon I will find a new beat but come one..
Mom, I miss you and so wish you were here just so I could really tell you all that I can't tell anyone else. Cause simply no one else can listen as well or still love me as much after wards. Please lord make the ache go away..
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
ARgh!
I can't believe that I can't seem to function past zipping up my pants today! Yes, I worked out and got my kiddos to school but still...I have so much inside that I feel I will explode into a zillion pieces right now. I can feel the stress over take my body and I can't seem to slow it down. I literally have at least 10 things to do and no motivation today to do it.
I just need a quiet moment that I can just let my tears spill over and to feel the wet, salty tears stream down my cheeks. Then after that I can clear my mind and do the things that need to be done. I really feel blessed to live the life that I do live. Even though moments in my life seem to be spiraling out of control.
This past weekend I went home to celebrate that my mom was a donor. And because of her someone else can see! I know that should be enough to make me so happy that someone can benefit from her. But, I can't see past my own pain that she is no longer here.
I remember when I was younger that when I would get overwhelmed that she would ask me what was wrong and I would say nothing' mom or I really don't want to talk about it. At that moment she would go sit down on the big white couch with flowers all over it and tell me firmly that I needed to come sit with her. I would do my best to get out of it but my mom had her ways!
She would then proceed to either pull me on her lap or as I got older to scoot me close to her until I was so close I couldn't squirm away. She then would say it's okay, just let it out and then I would proceed to bawl or vent every frustration that I would have bottled up in me. I have no idea why that worked so well for me but it did. I think that the fact that she made it feel that she could make it all better and if not all better that she could at least take the brunt of my pain or anger. I really miss that!
Even though she is gone and I haven't found that person to replace that void. I know that I am loved and that she is around me. She taught me a very valuable thing in life..that it is okay not to be able to move forward sometimes. It's okay to be stuck for a moment as long as you are able to pick yourself up shortly.
Mom I miss you terribly today and I know I will tomorrow and so forth.But I promise to keep moving forward and to JUST BREATHE!
I just need a quiet moment that I can just let my tears spill over and to feel the wet, salty tears stream down my cheeks. Then after that I can clear my mind and do the things that need to be done. I really feel blessed to live the life that I do live. Even though moments in my life seem to be spiraling out of control.
This past weekend I went home to celebrate that my mom was a donor. And because of her someone else can see! I know that should be enough to make me so happy that someone can benefit from her. But, I can't see past my own pain that she is no longer here.
I remember when I was younger that when I would get overwhelmed that she would ask me what was wrong and I would say nothing' mom or I really don't want to talk about it. At that moment she would go sit down on the big white couch with flowers all over it and tell me firmly that I needed to come sit with her. I would do my best to get out of it but my mom had her ways!
She would then proceed to either pull me on her lap or as I got older to scoot me close to her until I was so close I couldn't squirm away. She then would say it's okay, just let it out and then I would proceed to bawl or vent every frustration that I would have bottled up in me. I have no idea why that worked so well for me but it did. I think that the fact that she made it feel that she could make it all better and if not all better that she could at least take the brunt of my pain or anger. I really miss that!
Even though she is gone and I haven't found that person to replace that void. I know that I am loved and that she is around me. She taught me a very valuable thing in life..that it is okay not to be able to move forward sometimes. It's okay to be stuck for a moment as long as you are able to pick yourself up shortly.
Mom I miss you terribly today and I know I will tomorrow and so forth.But I promise to keep moving forward and to JUST BREATHE!
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