So, now that my secret is out in the world. There are a few things that I need to say.... THANK YOU,THANK YOU and THANK YOU for the outpour of love and support. I was very nervous about opening up my secret door to my family, friends and to the unknown. Trust me there is so many things about everyone you meet that you don't know. We all have a past full of colorful stories, sins, pain, tears, love, laughter, jokes, heartache,and so much more.
I have been struggling on what to write and how to move forward with this now being out in the world. I have had so many people reach out to me to lend support, encouragement,love,their stories, and advice. I have felt every kind word and every ounce of goodness sent my way. The past sixteen years have been quite the learning curve for myself. I never thought I would be the one who struggled for what seems like a lifetime with this dirty little secret.
I remember when I was a senior in high school and running everyday rain, sun, sleet, hail and snow. My mom knitted me a nose warmer for those frosty nights and that gave me the ability to keep going in the freezing weather. I might have looked silly, but I could not or would not miss my run or stadiums. I was noticing about mid-way through the fall semester that I was lagging in all my daily activities my runs got harder, I slept in most my classes, and missed school. I was soon diagnosed with Mono and was told bed rest due to my spleen on the verge of exploding. So, knowing this I still refused to stop, dammit I needed to have this one ounce of control in my life. I soon was found lying in bed wishing I was running or even better off at moments dead. The one thing in life that I was supposed to control I could no longer control and that my was my body. I was never on the verge of taking my life, I was just in my own personal hell. I am by nature a person who does not know the meaning of taking it slow. I love to be active at all times and I figure I will rest when I am dead. My family is all the same way..Anyways, once I was cleared to be active again I went full force and found that inner calm in my soul.
I can't say that my life was wrenched, I just think that I was taught at a young age that my body was imperfect. Maybe to some they could see the beauty but I could not. After high school I continued my behaviors, but at times would give myself a break. I was given the opportunity to move away and be a nanny for a year in northern California. I was smitten with the family and area that I never wanted to leave again. This is where and when I learned some very hard lessons in my life. I never had been this far away from family and I was alone and I felt it. I soon started to have a social life, date, friends, visits from family and friends, etc. With new people in my life I soon was hearing how I could change to be better, that I was fat, if I only would dress like this and blah, blah, blah. Now, I want to state I take full responsibility for my own actions!
So, I soon figured that after I ate that if I purged I felt better and I wouldn't gain weight. Now, at this time in my life(most of my life) I weighed around 110-115 lbs. Even then I thought I was enormous and could tell you where I needed to lose weight. I soon lost control of my demon after a few life altering experiences that taught me no matter how hard I tried life was spinning out of control. I only purged one or two times a day at first and what I was eating barely was anything. I was dying to be a 100 lbs so then I would be skinny, right? After awhile it soon became a stress reliever for me and for the next sixteen years it would be my dirty little secret. I can't explain the feeling of relief that overcomes me when I purge. I learned quickly that it would bring me a sense of control. Can you sense the lack of control that I felt in my life. I craved it all the time. Even if I just ate one or two pieces of fruit or a piece of pizza I would not keep it down.
I abruptly left California to find some kind of peace or safety in my life. I came home and my life was a whirlwind and I continued to spin out of control. There are few things in my life that changed me, but the experiences that I had in California forever has changed me. Good or bad it affected my most inner being and soul. I was changed and I was so very lost. I found solace in purging and I found joy in destroying my body by killing it slowly with exercise and purging. I got to the point that I was very sick and very lost in my life. I finally shared with my mom what was going on. All of a sudden I felt worse not better and I just wanted to be left alone. I picked myself up and left home again on a search for peace. I told my mom that I was better and I didn't need to see anyone and that I would be fine in a few months. I pretended that I was better, healthy, happy, and all that crap just to be left alone to continue my behavior. I swept it under the rug and did what I did best pretend... that I was invincible and happy.
Please, understand that this is not a moment in my life that I treasure nor do I look back at fondly. At times I am amazed that I am still breathing and that I am where I am in my life. I don't write this for anyone's pity I write this to help heal myself. I write this because I know that I am not alone in this battle. I write this because I am worth more than facing my fear and sorrows with my head in a toilet. I write this to hopefully encourage someone else to get help. I have daughters, I have nieces and I have sisters, and friends that all empower me by loving me for me. I am not perfect I am flawed beyond repair..yes, I am even broken. I am often told that I am not broken that I am perfect just the way I am. If I don't write this or share this I have failed on my part.
I am learning we go through things in life to strength every ounce of our being. I am now being held accountable and am facing the repercussions of my actions. I can not stay silent for my heart and mind need to find peace. I am doing something far beyond my comfort zone. I am showing my vulnerability to those I know and those I don't know. Please, I beg of you don't pity me I can not live with pity! I can live with shame, which I have and I can live with the fact my story just might help another. I am me and I am strong...
Please, share if you need to with someone if you are struggling, even if it is admitting that you might have a problem. Find help because this is something that we can not fix on our own. And remember that this does not make you weak this makes you brave for facing the truth even if it is ugly.
I write this story so I will never forget how lucky I am in my life to be here still and to remind myself that I am worth it. I write this to remind myself to keep my head up and that I am loved....
Learning to love oneself is a constant lesson in life that we all need to continue to learn it...
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Secrets of a brown girl...
Okay, I have a secret that most people do not know of and some people do. I can't say that I am proud of my actions nor can I say that I regret them either. Wait,I should explain that last part...Being a Bulimic has consumed at least 16 years of my life. I do regret the crappy effects that it has had on my body. I do not regret that I have found my voice and feel that there has to be others like me out in this world. If I can help one person besides myself I will have made my secret worthwhile.
"In the United States, 20 million women and 10 million men suffer from a clinically significant eating disorder at some time in their life, including anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, binge eating disorder, or an eating disorder not otherwise specified (EDNOS) (Wade, Keski-Rahkonen, & Hudson, 2011). For various reasons, many cases are likely not to be reported. In addition, many individuals struggle with body dissatisfaction and sub-clinical disordered eating attitudes and behaviors, and the best-known contributor to the development of anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa is body dissatisfaction (Stice, 2002). By age 6, girls especially start to express concerns about their own weight or shape. 40-60% of elementary school girls (ages 6-12) are concerned about their weight or about becoming too fat. This concern endures through life" (Smolak, 2011).
By the age of 8 years old my mom had me doing crunches every night because I was chubby. In actual reality I wasn't chubby I was average and looking at my own children know that I was just built different than the girls I was growing up with. By the age of 12 I hated my body not only did I think I was fat, I also hated my Afro hair and golden skin. I did not look like the girls I was being brought up with and honestly, it sucked. My body image issues are just that mine and mine alone. I can look back with a little more love and kindness in my heart towards my old self. I have never been this honest even with myself. I hated my body growing up and just wished that I could look like everyone else. I always dressed in baggy clothes because not only had I convinced myself I was fat, but I had a mom, (that didn't mean to) but passed on her own body images to me. She herself was big and I think that she didn't want me to be her. Funny thing is, is that we are not blood related. I was adopted at the age of 3 and yes, Hispanics are known for being curvy.(Who knew)
I always watched what I ate due to the fact I was deathly afraid of getting fat and I continued to think I was ugly as well. At the age of 14 I was running 8 miles daily and kept that habit up for years. I then would go and run stadiums for 30-40 minutes and then I would go home and do an ab workout. I had no idea why I did this and no matter what was going on my life I rarely missed a day. Yes, it was control of something, right? If I could control what went into my body and what my body could do I would be invincible to the world around me. I was often looked at as the girl who could handle anything that was thrown my way. Yes, I could and then I would practically kill myself by pounding the crap out of my body.
Around the age of Twenty-one I had a life changing experience where I learned that I could not control a Damn thing in my life. So, I turned my exercising into my demon and food into my worst enemy. I was learning to cope and to regain a little control in my so called life. After a year and getting very sick, I came clean to my mom and she thought after awhile I was better. Being a bulimic you learn what to say and do to have people get off your back. Really, all I did was hide it a whole hell of a lot better. It then became this big secret that I hid for a long time in my life. I tried counseling and basically, put a band-aide on it for a few months at a time. No matter who was in my life it became my obsession.. I didn't ever binge eat I just wanted that relief that I got every time I purged. I was in control, right??
After I got married I hid it off and on for a few years until it reared it's ugly head. I lost someone very close to me and for the millionth time it seemed that my fractured little world was falling apart again..So, I turned to the one thing that would bring me comfort and yes, joy. I was in control of something. At this point my son was around 2 or 3 and had walked in on me. I felt ashamed for the first time. I had a little girl who wasn't very old at the time and I knew that I had to do something to break the cycle. I refuse to be a hypocrite to my children. I sought out help to learn how to cope in different ways. .
Don't get me wrong I still fight that urge on a daily basis to not purge. Most people like to think that I am a healthy little hippie, in which some ways is very true. The reasoning behind it is the control of something in my life. I don't eat healthy because I enjoy it all the time. I do it because it is a way to heal my body and to know that I am responsible for my actions. A lot of people with eating disorders are very health conscience because we make it our life mission. We are great at counting calories, telling you what you should avoid and such, because we ourselves avoid it too.
I truly feel that this is starting to happen at such young ages in our society that we need to have voices and stop the craziness of body images and control. I have two daughters that I will do anything for in this world and I want to them to grow up healthy and strong. Our beauty starts at the root of our souls and we are in charge of creating a good life for ourselves.
As much as I know now about the effect of ED's, I still have body issues and I know that this is my challenge and only I can fix it. I just wanted to let people know that I am just as messed up as the next person, but I am hoping that the cycle will be broken. We need to take a step back, and realize that we only have one body and we should learn to love the hell out of it. One day, it will slowly start to break down from our past decisions and lifestyles. Love yourself and if you don't, learn how...
If you have an eating disorder or know someone that does, please seek help..
"In the United States, 20 million women and 10 million men suffer from a clinically significant eating disorder at some time in their life, including anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, binge eating disorder, or an eating disorder not otherwise specified (EDNOS) (Wade, Keski-Rahkonen, & Hudson, 2011). For various reasons, many cases are likely not to be reported. In addition, many individuals struggle with body dissatisfaction and sub-clinical disordered eating attitudes and behaviors, and the best-known contributor to the development of anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa is body dissatisfaction (Stice, 2002). By age 6, girls especially start to express concerns about their own weight or shape. 40-60% of elementary school girls (ages 6-12) are concerned about their weight or about becoming too fat. This concern endures through life" (Smolak, 2011).
By the age of 8 years old my mom had me doing crunches every night because I was chubby. In actual reality I wasn't chubby I was average and looking at my own children know that I was just built different than the girls I was growing up with. By the age of 12 I hated my body not only did I think I was fat, I also hated my Afro hair and golden skin. I did not look like the girls I was being brought up with and honestly, it sucked. My body image issues are just that mine and mine alone. I can look back with a little more love and kindness in my heart towards my old self. I have never been this honest even with myself. I hated my body growing up and just wished that I could look like everyone else. I always dressed in baggy clothes because not only had I convinced myself I was fat, but I had a mom, (that didn't mean to) but passed on her own body images to me. She herself was big and I think that she didn't want me to be her. Funny thing is, is that we are not blood related. I was adopted at the age of 3 and yes, Hispanics are known for being curvy.(Who knew)
I always watched what I ate due to the fact I was deathly afraid of getting fat and I continued to think I was ugly as well. At the age of 14 I was running 8 miles daily and kept that habit up for years. I then would go and run stadiums for 30-40 minutes and then I would go home and do an ab workout. I had no idea why I did this and no matter what was going on my life I rarely missed a day. Yes, it was control of something, right? If I could control what went into my body and what my body could do I would be invincible to the world around me. I was often looked at as the girl who could handle anything that was thrown my way. Yes, I could and then I would practically kill myself by pounding the crap out of my body.
Around the age of Twenty-one I had a life changing experience where I learned that I could not control a Damn thing in my life. So, I turned my exercising into my demon and food into my worst enemy. I was learning to cope and to regain a little control in my so called life. After a year and getting very sick, I came clean to my mom and she thought after awhile I was better. Being a bulimic you learn what to say and do to have people get off your back. Really, all I did was hide it a whole hell of a lot better. It then became this big secret that I hid for a long time in my life. I tried counseling and basically, put a band-aide on it for a few months at a time. No matter who was in my life it became my obsession.. I didn't ever binge eat I just wanted that relief that I got every time I purged. I was in control, right??
After I got married I hid it off and on for a few years until it reared it's ugly head. I lost someone very close to me and for the millionth time it seemed that my fractured little world was falling apart again..So, I turned to the one thing that would bring me comfort and yes, joy. I was in control of something. At this point my son was around 2 or 3 and had walked in on me. I felt ashamed for the first time. I had a little girl who wasn't very old at the time and I knew that I had to do something to break the cycle. I refuse to be a hypocrite to my children. I sought out help to learn how to cope in different ways. .
Don't get me wrong I still fight that urge on a daily basis to not purge. Most people like to think that I am a healthy little hippie, in which some ways is very true. The reasoning behind it is the control of something in my life. I don't eat healthy because I enjoy it all the time. I do it because it is a way to heal my body and to know that I am responsible for my actions. A lot of people with eating disorders are very health conscience because we make it our life mission. We are great at counting calories, telling you what you should avoid and such, because we ourselves avoid it too.
I truly feel that this is starting to happen at such young ages in our society that we need to have voices and stop the craziness of body images and control. I have two daughters that I will do anything for in this world and I want to them to grow up healthy and strong. Our beauty starts at the root of our souls and we are in charge of creating a good life for ourselves.
As much as I know now about the effect of ED's, I still have body issues and I know that this is my challenge and only I can fix it. I just wanted to let people know that I am just as messed up as the next person, but I am hoping that the cycle will be broken. We need to take a step back, and realize that we only have one body and we should learn to love the hell out of it. One day, it will slowly start to break down from our past decisions and lifestyles. Love yourself and if you don't, learn how...
If you have an eating disorder or know someone that does, please seek help..
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