Wow, is all I can say at the moment..I am grateful for the fact it's just a broken collarbone and not something much worse. Yes, it's crappy and yes, I have shed a few tears over the fact she is broken again. I worry about her because she is so full of life and truly has no fear except occasionally at night with bad dreams. These bad dreams I can shoo away with a mamma is here baby girl and it's all better. With a bone busted again I have to wait and be patient not only with the healing process but with her. I don't think that many really realize how independent and fiery of a Bear she really is. She earned her name and it suits her very well.
I am amazed at her ability to pick herself up and to be a very brave 4 yr old. She never stays down for long and her ability to make you feel comforted in her time of need is quite humbling.
I have realized that being broken isn't just physical but also, spiritual and emotional too. Today is probably the first day and I hate to admit this, but that I actually took more than 20 minutes to just be still. I was on the verge of tears of not only guilt, anger, sadness and just feeling sorry for myself and Bear. When I realized I was broken somewhere within my soul and heart. The agony of this comes and goes quickly because if I sit still then it consumes me. Really, we are all broken somehow or someway..It's what we choose to do with this brokenness. Do we sit and let it consume us to the point that we no longer see the rainbows and fairy tales in the world. Or do we say bring it and keep bringing it, because I will kick some serious trash! I was talking with my family and I am amazed at the strength that our parents had with us. I am humbled by the community of well wishes and hugs that I received today. All the messages and cokes and goodies too. I am going to say that I have a wonderful friend who has touched the hearts and soul of this house. She came over and just let me have my moment that only a mom could fix. I believe strongly that everyone we meet has a time and place in our lives. Today was a day that I needed my mom and low and behold I got one. Moms are wonderful and so are grandmothers, no matter how someone becomes family they are still family.
So, even if we have a broken Bear she's truly not broken anything about her fiery spirit! She has taught me today that it only can get better and that it's okay mamma I love you. Life doesn't get better than I love you's!!
Bring it on nothing I can't handle well at least for the next few moments ...
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Sunday, May 12, 2013
So, Mother's Day is hard for me now and I dislike going to church, because it is a constant reminder of what I am missing. and they always sing my moms favorite song and I end up in tears and this year I will pass. I don't need a building to remind me of her, I know she lives in my heart always. I know that there are a few of us that have joined the club of mom's in heaven and some of those mom's might not of been my own, but were just were like mine growing up. My sweet friends thank you for sharing them with me! To my friends that have had a recent loss remember everything she said and you will soon feel it in your own heart and if you listen you still can hear her. For those that have lost a child or sister remember that they are needed somewhere else more than here.
To my own moms: my birth mom, my mom and to my sweet mother in law...Thank you for loving me at my most unlovable moments. Which have been quite a few over the past 35 years.
I stand in awe of my birth mother to this day and I often don't mention her at all. It's not that she is forgotten I just don't remember her besides the sacrifice that she did for my brother and I. One day I will get the courage to search and find out if she is alive, but I don't think that I could get my hopes up for an ending I already know in my heart. I am amazed that she had the strength to do what she did and I can't imagine the heartache and loss she must of felt. I can't leave my babies for more than a few days without that ache in my heart overtaking me. I always tell my husband I don't know if I would have had the strength at that moment to let us go. I hope that I can claim that I have some little part of her in me and that my girls will too. I hope that one day I will meet her either here or in heaven. To thank her because without that sacrifice I wouldn't be here as a mom to my three little ones. Thank you Josefina and I truly hope that I live up to half of the example you set and that I have made you proud.
Mom, with tears in my eyes,even after three long years, I can't help but wish you were here. I need you more than ever it seems that I am so lost at times. Thank you for adopting us and for raising us as your own. I know that we all gave you a run for your money but really it was the boys ideas. I remember when people would ask how it felt to be adopted and if you were my mom. Not once did you ever make me feel like I wasn't your own. Heck you told me I was white and that I look like you..Boy, was I fooled! Did you know that I am brown and look nothing like you..I was shocked to learn it too! I know that our past was rough and I wish that it hadn't taken so many years to get to be your friend also. Thank you for riding my rear and expecting only the best that I had in my heart. I might not always live up to the expectation but I know I can when needs be. Your examples of love, hard work, forgiveness, laughter, music, and so many more things. Have helped shape me into being I am. I know your faults, I know why we fought all the time I was growing up and that was to make sure I became a good person. I wish I could say that I take it all back those moments of anger or hurt, but I don't. It has hopefully made me the woman and mother that I am. Thank you for loving me and guiding me for all those years. I love and miss you terribly..Til we meet again in gods arms.
Last but not least to my mother in law..which by the way seems wrong to say since, she is so much like my mom. I remember my mom telling me that it would have been so much harder to have me so far away if I hadn't had you here. She always told me how much she loved the fact that you took me in with open arms and made sure her baby was okay. I love you and appreciate the fact you raised a good fella. You always state to me that I am like your own and I never doubt that. I love you with all my heart and thanks for being a wonderful mom and grandmother.
I love motherhood, it's something I never dreamed of having or wanting. I now can't even imagine not having the three greatest blessing/angels in my life. I think that I have finally found something that I am not only good at, but proud to be.. a MOM. The short and simple word fills my heart with so much love and I can't imagine not being here at this moment in my life. I know that I wouldn't be here without the loving support of my loving husband, brothers, family and friends. Love you all and once again HAPPY MOTHER"S DAY TO ALL!!
To my own moms: my birth mom, my mom and to my sweet mother in law...Thank you for loving me at my most unlovable moments. Which have been quite a few over the past 35 years.
I stand in awe of my birth mother to this day and I often don't mention her at all. It's not that she is forgotten I just don't remember her besides the sacrifice that she did for my brother and I. One day I will get the courage to search and find out if she is alive, but I don't think that I could get my hopes up for an ending I already know in my heart. I am amazed that she had the strength to do what she did and I can't imagine the heartache and loss she must of felt. I can't leave my babies for more than a few days without that ache in my heart overtaking me. I always tell my husband I don't know if I would have had the strength at that moment to let us go. I hope that I can claim that I have some little part of her in me and that my girls will too. I hope that one day I will meet her either here or in heaven. To thank her because without that sacrifice I wouldn't be here as a mom to my three little ones. Thank you Josefina and I truly hope that I live up to half of the example you set and that I have made you proud.
Mom, with tears in my eyes,even after three long years, I can't help but wish you were here. I need you more than ever it seems that I am so lost at times. Thank you for adopting us and for raising us as your own. I know that we all gave you a run for your money but really it was the boys ideas. I remember when people would ask how it felt to be adopted and if you were my mom. Not once did you ever make me feel like I wasn't your own. Heck you told me I was white and that I look like you..Boy, was I fooled! Did you know that I am brown and look nothing like you..I was shocked to learn it too! I know that our past was rough and I wish that it hadn't taken so many years to get to be your friend also. Thank you for riding my rear and expecting only the best that I had in my heart. I might not always live up to the expectation but I know I can when needs be. Your examples of love, hard work, forgiveness, laughter, music, and so many more things. Have helped shape me into being I am. I know your faults, I know why we fought all the time I was growing up and that was to make sure I became a good person. I wish I could say that I take it all back those moments of anger or hurt, but I don't. It has hopefully made me the woman and mother that I am. Thank you for loving me and guiding me for all those years. I love and miss you terribly..Til we meet again in gods arms.
Last but not least to my mother in law..which by the way seems wrong to say since, she is so much like my mom. I remember my mom telling me that it would have been so much harder to have me so far away if I hadn't had you here. She always told me how much she loved the fact that you took me in with open arms and made sure her baby was okay. I love you and appreciate the fact you raised a good fella. You always state to me that I am like your own and I never doubt that. I love you with all my heart and thanks for being a wonderful mom and grandmother.
I love motherhood, it's something I never dreamed of having or wanting. I now can't even imagine not having the three greatest blessing/angels in my life. I think that I have finally found something that I am not only good at, but proud to be.. a MOM. The short and simple word fills my heart with so much love and I can't imagine not being here at this moment in my life. I know that I wouldn't be here without the loving support of my loving husband, brothers, family and friends. Love you all and once again HAPPY MOTHER"S DAY TO ALL!!
Friday, May 10, 2013
Too many irons in the firepit called life
So lately I have been running around with my head cut off, literally!! I have added so many things to my life in the past few months that I can't think about it all or I will breakdown. I have ventured out into the working world again and I enjoy it. It's just trying to find the balance with my family and other volunteer positions that I do. I am not writing to say look at me and how much I can do. Because, if you ask some around me they will say I have entirely lost every ounce of common sense in me. I have a husband that has a demanding time schedule and most times we see each other in passing.
People ask me on a daily basis one am I crazy and two how do I do it all?? Well, if you ask me I haven't even scratched the surface of the pretend to-do list, because if I actually write it down and everything isn't crossed off I feel like a complete failure. Instead at the moment I do the best I can to make sure everyone is still alive :) I still feel like a failure for dropping my youngest at others or daycare so I can work or it's the I can't right now I am working on something for one of the positions I volunteer for. It's me being impatience and always in a hurry to get to wherever we need to be or to finish a project. Yes, maybe I should write things down or try to have a better schedule, but I have always said I work better with organized chaos than an organized situation.
I have recently read a few books on motherhood, raising kids, better relationships and organizing my home and time. What I have gotten from these is that somewhere in the past few 20 years the expectations of us has been amplified to a measure beyond reaching. I am a perfectionist personalty always have been since I was little. My mom and dad taught me do it right the first time or keep doing it until you do. It the famous phrase in my family. So, with all this being said..Why in the hello-operator is it not hitting my expectations of being the mom who can juggle one hundred things at one time and still be able to be the happy mom/wife/sister/daughter/friend. I have an expectation of how my day should go and never does my day go the way I want it too. It usually ends up with tears, frustration and not just from me but those around me.
The funny thing is that I try to tell others to slow down and don't beat yourself up. I have figured that I want those around me to slow down and for myself I can do everything. Maybe it's because my mom and dad weren't around when I was little, or the fact my mom was a single mom and had time to do everything or maybe it's the expectation that some have put on me since I was little or maybe it's just because I truly think that I can and if I don't I'm a failure. My husband,kiddos,brothers,dad,my wonderful in-laws and friends are what keep telling me I am worth it and to slow down.
I know that this week has been crappy due to my impatience, sharp tongue and in ability to be okay with not getting everything done. I honestly feel like I fail if I can't do everything because I have that little voice saying here is the line and why haven't you reached it. In the process I have lost something and that is TIME with the three things that have made a me better person. As one of my friends says," I am not saving for college I am saving for therapy for my kids". Because, in the end if I haven't taught them it is okay to fail and that yes, we should do our best the first time, but even then it's okay if we didn't succeed, then I have failed.
I just want to say I have to many irons in the fire(per my papa)and if I don't listen to the music or that little voice that helps me to be sane,then what is the point? If we all could realize at the end of each day if we have forgiven, said I love a hundred times, given hugs and really have just done our best to be the best us. We have succeeded and yes,our pretend list can be done another day.
Life has no rule book we create our own rules and by-laws. So, I guess I just needed to write this to remind myself that if I have been a good person and my kids go to bed with full tummy's and hearts, then I have accomplished something far greater than a pretend to-do list, I will have accomplished the art of being a loving kind mom. It is when we sacrifice a little, not all of our own souls to help mold our future that we truly become a greater being. So, turn up the music, do a little dance and laugh until your sides hurt! Life is far too short for all of us to not hear tune of our own souls.
People ask me on a daily basis one am I crazy and two how do I do it all?? Well, if you ask me I haven't even scratched the surface of the pretend to-do list, because if I actually write it down and everything isn't crossed off I feel like a complete failure. Instead at the moment I do the best I can to make sure everyone is still alive :) I still feel like a failure for dropping my youngest at others or daycare so I can work or it's the I can't right now I am working on something for one of the positions I volunteer for. It's me being impatience and always in a hurry to get to wherever we need to be or to finish a project. Yes, maybe I should write things down or try to have a better schedule, but I have always said I work better with organized chaos than an organized situation.
I have recently read a few books on motherhood, raising kids, better relationships and organizing my home and time. What I have gotten from these is that somewhere in the past few 20 years the expectations of us has been amplified to a measure beyond reaching. I am a perfectionist personalty always have been since I was little. My mom and dad taught me do it right the first time or keep doing it until you do. It the famous phrase in my family. So, with all this being said..Why in the hello-operator is it not hitting my expectations of being the mom who can juggle one hundred things at one time and still be able to be the happy mom/wife/sister/daughter/friend. I have an expectation of how my day should go and never does my day go the way I want it too. It usually ends up with tears, frustration and not just from me but those around me.
The funny thing is that I try to tell others to slow down and don't beat yourself up. I have figured that I want those around me to slow down and for myself I can do everything. Maybe it's because my mom and dad weren't around when I was little, or the fact my mom was a single mom and had time to do everything or maybe it's the expectation that some have put on me since I was little or maybe it's just because I truly think that I can and if I don't I'm a failure. My husband,kiddos,brothers,dad,my wonderful in-laws and friends are what keep telling me I am worth it and to slow down.
I know that this week has been crappy due to my impatience, sharp tongue and in ability to be okay with not getting everything done. I honestly feel like I fail if I can't do everything because I have that little voice saying here is the line and why haven't you reached it. In the process I have lost something and that is TIME with the three things that have made a me better person. As one of my friends says," I am not saving for college I am saving for therapy for my kids". Because, in the end if I haven't taught them it is okay to fail and that yes, we should do our best the first time, but even then it's okay if we didn't succeed, then I have failed.
I just want to say I have to many irons in the fire(per my papa)and if I don't listen to the music or that little voice that helps me to be sane,then what is the point? If we all could realize at the end of each day if we have forgiven, said I love a hundred times, given hugs and really have just done our best to be the best us. We have succeeded and yes,our pretend list can be done another day.
Life has no rule book we create our own rules and by-laws. So, I guess I just needed to write this to remind myself that if I have been a good person and my kids go to bed with full tummy's and hearts, then I have accomplished something far greater than a pretend to-do list, I will have accomplished the art of being a loving kind mom. It is when we sacrifice a little, not all of our own souls to help mold our future that we truly become a greater being. So, turn up the music, do a little dance and laugh until your sides hurt! Life is far too short for all of us to not hear tune of our own souls.
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