So lately I have been running around with my head cut off, literally!! I have added so many things to my life in the past few months that I can't think about it all or I will breakdown. I have ventured out into the working world again and I enjoy it. It's just trying to find the balance with my family and other volunteer positions that I do. I am not writing to say look at me and how much I can do. Because, if you ask some around me they will say I have entirely lost every ounce of common sense in me. I have a husband that has a demanding time schedule and most times we see each other in passing.
People ask me on a daily basis one am I crazy and two how do I do it all?? Well, if you ask me I haven't even scratched the surface of the pretend to-do list, because if I actually write it down and everything isn't crossed off I feel like a complete failure. Instead at the moment I do the best I can to make sure everyone is still alive :) I still feel like a failure for dropping my youngest at others or daycare so I can work or it's the I can't right now I am working on something for one of the positions I volunteer for. It's me being impatience and always in a hurry to get to wherever we need to be or to finish a project. Yes, maybe I should write things down or try to have a better schedule, but I have always said I work better with organized chaos than an organized situation.
I have recently read a few books on motherhood, raising kids, better relationships and organizing my home and time. What I have gotten from these is that somewhere in the past few 20 years the expectations of us has been amplified to a measure beyond reaching. I am a perfectionist personalty always have been since I was little. My mom and dad taught me do it right the first time or keep doing it until you do. It the famous phrase in my family. So, with all this being said..Why in the hello-operator is it not hitting my expectations of being the mom who can juggle one hundred things at one time and still be able to be the happy mom/wife/sister/daughter/friend. I have an expectation of how my day should go and never does my day go the way I want it too. It usually ends up with tears, frustration and not just from me but those around me.
The funny thing is that I try to tell others to slow down and don't beat yourself up. I have figured that I want those around me to slow down and for myself I can do everything. Maybe it's because my mom and dad weren't around when I was little, or the fact my mom was a single mom and had time to do everything or maybe it's the expectation that some have put on me since I was little or maybe it's just because I truly think that I can and if I don't I'm a failure. My husband,kiddos,brothers,dad,my wonderful in-laws and friends are what keep telling me I am worth it and to slow down.
I know that this week has been crappy due to my impatience, sharp tongue and in ability to be okay with not getting everything done. I honestly feel like I fail if I can't do everything because I have that little voice saying here is the line and why haven't you reached it. In the process I have lost something and that is TIME with the three things that have made a me better person. As one of my friends says," I am not saving for college I am saving for therapy for my kids". Because, in the end if I haven't taught them it is okay to fail and that yes, we should do our best the first time, but even then it's okay if we didn't succeed, then I have failed.
I just want to say I have to many irons in the fire(per my papa)and if I don't listen to the music or that little voice that helps me to be sane,then what is the point? If we all could realize at the end of each day if we have forgiven, said I love a hundred times, given hugs and really have just done our best to be the best us. We have succeeded and yes,our pretend list can be done another day.
Life has no rule book we create our own rules and by-laws. So, I guess I just needed to write this to remind myself that if I have been a good person and my kids go to bed with full tummy's and hearts, then I have accomplished something far greater than a pretend to-do list, I will have accomplished the art of being a loving kind mom. It is when we sacrifice a little, not all of our own souls to help mold our future that we truly become a greater being. So, turn up the music, do a little dance and laugh until your sides hurt! Life is far too short for all of us to not hear tune of our own souls.
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